Babies Peeping Out

Maternity Shots for the Wine In A Box Crowd, Part Duex

2011-04-20T16:29:00.000-04:00

Pregnancy was the thing that really got me interested in photography, and previously I posted a bit about taking your own maternity portraits if you are poor like me. See my original post about taking your own maternity portraits here: Maternity Shots for the Wine in a Box Crowd.

I ended that post talking about what I'd *like* to do should I get pregnant again.

And here I am, 31 weeks pregnant and finishing up my copy-cat maternity series like I said I wanted to try.
So here is a detailed overview of how I take these photographs.

Part I: Photography

You need a camera with some amount of manual control and a tripod. I did try this out with a point and shoot balanced on the edge of a hutch when I was first pregnant (just to see) and it did not work, at all.

I also decided that for these photographs, I wanted a basic kind of theme. Since I happened to be pregnant during all four season and since I had tons of room outside to take photographs, I figured I would take shots focusing on the change of season (that paralleled my changing belly, how clever of me, lol).

So outside on a warm spring day we go, with tripod and camera in hand.

The light this day was sucky (overcast) but I've been waiting for this tree to be in full bloom for awhile. Usually I have an idea of what I want to do in my head and then I adjust to accommodate for what actually works.

Set the camera's focus to manual focus. This is important if you want any kind of distance between the two versions of you. It might work with a regular point and shoot because everything is in focus with those pictures...but you might run into frustrations with it. The switch is usually just beside the focusing ring on your lens. ( AF is auto focus and MF is manual focus)

Next, set up your camera settings to something appropriate for the light. Most often I leave mine in an automatic setting, simply because I don't like the extra work of metering and adjusting everything for the two shots (although I would probably get better results doing it that way, I'm just too lazy).

My camera is pretty ancient and it has a terrible processor thing so *for me* the no flash setting works the best. Use whatever setting you like on your camera.
Then set it to self-timer.
I wish I had a clicker for this part, it would save me a lot of walking...and sometimes running...

Okay, now we are ready to shoot.

Focusing is really the only difficult part of this step--it's much easier when you have something to focus the camera on and then stand next to....I generally spend most of time playing with the focus to get it right.

So take your two separate photos....

Or take about 100 separate photos and figure you can pick two later:

Do really stupid poses, swear you are not eating anything else for the rest of pregnancy and seriously debate whether or not you should be wearing those shorts in public...
uhmm...
I mean...

yep. Also make mental checknote to do more lunges and buy some firming cream.

Anyways....I always check the photos as I do them so I can adjust my pregnant thighs and arms until something comes out looking decent.

In the end, here are the two SOOC photographs I ended up with:

Obviously you don't want to touch anything except the focusing ring in between shots because the more exact each shot is, the easier the second part will be...

This has nothing to do with my post, I just wanted to post a picture of my yummy husband coming back from "Active Shooter" training yesterday.

Dang but he's hot.

Part II: Combining the Photographs

Now, we load up all the pictures, cringe at most of them and open up the two we are going to use in Gimp.

Your "bottom" photograph should be the photograph with the most in focus....usually that's the one with me the farthest away. Select that photo, pull up the layers dock (it's labeled Layers, Channels, Paths, Undo on this screen) and hit the button for "Select a new layer" (its the page button on the farthest right hand bottom corner of the layers dock). A window will pop up asking what kind of layer, you should select "Transparency" and click okay.

Then take your second picture and right click to copy...

Go back to the first picture and paste, anchoring the picture using the anchor button on the bottom of the layers dock.

So you will have two layers and right now, can only see the top layer.
Next, go the "Layers" menu at the top of the image and select "Add Layer Mask"

Select "Black- Full transparency" and click to add a layer mask.

Now your image and layers dock will look like this: (You should only see the bottom image and there should be that black box next to the top layer in your layer dock)

Now select the eraser tool and erase over the part of the picture where you should be:

Try not to go crazy with the erasing, just erase over the body to reveal just enough of that second image to get the effect.

This looks pretty good because there isn't a huge discrepancy in depth of field and because the background is very conducive to doing this type of stuff. You'll find as you take different types of pictures that some backgrounds are HORRIBLE to work with and some are very forgiving.

But, anyways, if you look up close you can see there is leftover bits causing this not to look so seamless:

To fix this, select the paintbrush tool and make sure you have the color set to black....then paint over the parts of the second photograph you want to cover. The erase tool always reveals the second layer, the paint tool covers it back up...so you can spend as much time as you need going back and forth to get it looking right.

Tip: Hair is often the most difficult part in getting a natural look, so often I will reduce the opacity of my paintbrush and zoom in real close to get a decent effect. I didn't have to do it with this one, but I've definitely done it before.

After you are satisfied with the results, flatten the image and then edit the color/brightness as a whole.

I usually save a copy of the picture at this point just in case something happens...so here is what it looks like before doing the final post processing (actually I kind of forgot this time and had started doing a few things so it looks a bit different, but not much):

Here are my previous posts on the different kinds of basic editing you can do to your pictures. I thought I had a post about doing makeup and stuff on the computer (since I've been guilty of doing my makeup in photoshop and not in my bathroom because I'm tired and pregnant) but it turns out I never got around to that post. This picture wasn't real close up so I am makeup less both in reality and on the computer, haha:

Gimp 101
Gimp 102

For the final post processing on this photograph, I used an "S" curve, a vintage color layer and then a colorized overlay (with a low opacity). Finally I adjusted the levels in the opposite direction to give it that more faded look. And I think I adjusted the color so it wasn't as cold (darn camera). Oh and finally I cropped it a little to make up for my poor composition.

Some Tips, Tricks and Ideas:

Honestly, when I started this project I was ALL excited with the novelty of doing a double exposure. After like a month I started getting bored...so it's been a great project to help me expand my skills as a photographer within a more structured, limiting format.
That being said...the next time around I think I'm going to focus more on taking weekly photographs that show the "moments" of pregnant I don't want to forget (as well as showcasing the growing bump).
One of my favorite photographs from this project (that happened to not be a double exposure) is this one:

I'm trying to turn my stubborn breech baby at 28 weeks...and here is another of the same that I love:

I love this one because I'm flirting with aforementioned hot husband while taking the pictures. It's nice to look at the picture and remember those moments in pregnancy and in your life instead of just looking at a picture of yourself in a cute outfit. So next time I think I will focus more on that aspect...

Another thing that is nice to do, is to keep a blooper reel. Otherwise pictures like this:

and this:

and even nicer ones you couldn't decide between like this:

get lost...

And you can layer more than one photograph into the picture. I never used this one because it didn't turn out like I wanted it to, but I still like the idea I had with it (I was doing the above mentioned lunges...but it was sunset and the light was changing to fast for me to keep my pictures all the same and so I ran into a lot of problems being rushed and then doing the layer masks, so I went with something else that week. Look at my thigh...you can tell I had issues and just kind of gave up on it, lol):

The Finished Product:

After much debate and looking around at my options, I've decided the best option for final "display" of the series would be a printed book through Shutterfly.

They have a 5 by 7 soft cover print book that you can buy, and that's pretty much the perfect size for printing these photographs (and the accompanying notes).
Here is the option I'm referring to: Shutterfly Photo Book

Leave any questions you have in the comments and I'll be more than happy to answer them.

P.S. I am not returning to blogging (despite the occasional bouts of temptation). Usually I remember how I got comments like "you are sexually abusing your child by giving them a light spank on the butt" and I find I have just enough distaste for the internet to keep my opinions off it. I just wanted to do this post to for my lovely ladies of the May 2009 Playroom. Holla!!

Vagina.

The end.

I think I'm Done

2010-12-14T08:49:00.001-05:00

I think I'm done blogging for the time being. Not sure how long that will last, but for now and as far as I can tell, I'm letting it rest.

Thanks to everyone whose been reading. I truly appreciate it.

You can find me on facebook (if we aren't already friends)--I'm Sarah Shaffer Lemon. Just mention this blog so I know who you are.

Twelve Weeks

2010-12-10T12:28:00.000-05:00

It's cold outside.

Five Hard Truths

2010-12-09T10:33:00.000-05:00

Five things I've learned the hard way.

1. I have no rights. Growing up, I'd be all demanding my way or asserting my rights, and sometimes they weren't exactly unwarranted (okay rarely) but my mother would infuriate me by saying "You are a Christian, you have no rights." Oh that made me livid. Excuse me, but I have a right to stand up for myself, I have a right to my own opinion, I have a....oh crap. Yeah, that wasn't so much a hard truth to learn as it was a hard truth to accept. I mean, if you look at the whole entire Bible, is there any mention of things you have a right to? No...in fact, Philippians 2:5-8 says, "Your attitude should be the same that Christ Jesus had, though he was God, he did not demand or cling to his rights as God. He made himself nothing, he took the humble position of a slave and appeared in human form. And in human form, he obediently humbled himself even further by dying a criminal's death on the cross." Unfortunately, and as hard a truth it is, when it comes to other people especially, I have no rights. No one owes me an apology--even if they slap me across the face. No one owes me certain treatment--not even my husband. My attitude should be like Christ's, humbling myself...as a slave.

2. The Bible isn't for living my life, it's for building my relationship. I used to treat the Scriptures like my own personal handbook to living. Everything came out of context. I read every verse looking for practical application to my daily life. I would scour the word for solutions to my problem. By high school I was so frustrated and angry with it...why tell me all this way of living and not tell me how to do it? Somewhere along the way, after leaving and coming back, I figured out something I've only just recently been able to verbalize: The Bible isn't for teaching me how to live, it's there to transform my relationship with God. The Bible as a whole presents the character and personality of God--knowing God is what changes my life! I study to find out the person of God, to understand him more, to see his heart. "When you say 'Seek My face, my heart says to You, "Your face Lord, I will seek." As I understand the heart of God more, the more I understand who I am in him and the more submitted I am to his work in my life.

3. You don't have to try. This truth was also something that came out of getting so frustrated with my christian life. But when I finally learned that the christian life was never meant to be lived on your own effort and discipline, that it's the work of God in you--that was freeing. I stopped trying to live so good, and started focusing on knowing God. And then, I'd never believe this if I hadn't seen this in my life, but I started changing without trying. Change came naturally out of being submitted to God. If I'm trying, I'll always fail. If God is doing it in me, it's freedom and it's a miracle.

4. It is worthless without love. This was very hard for me to learn. As a teenager, I was so occupied with imparting the "truth" to people, that I often forgot to lovingly speak it. Ehem, I still do this. I'm not naturally inclined towards love. And unfortunately, God's brand of love is quite different from our own. That "if someone slaps you, turn the other cheek" verse doesn't mean you just turn away and ignore the beating someone just put on you, it means you offer them the other one to hit. That means if someone is insulting you, you offer them compliments in return. If someone is hitting you, you let them. If someone is constantly rude to you, you are constantly kind to them. People do not ever change by sheer force of will, they do not change by reason, no one ever comes to God because someone lectured them there--our hearts are transformed by the love of God, and very often, they are transformed by the love of God shown through another's life. Early in my marriage, I once punched a hole in a plaster wall, slammed the bedroom door and screamed that I hated my husband. His response was to hug me and tell me that he loved me (I sooooooo did not deserve this). That moment stands out in my mind as being one of the first times I truly understood that God loved me...because if my husband could do that, it must be God in him. But it's so easy to fool ourselves into thinking that we are acting appropriately--and if we compared ourselves to God's love, we'd find our flesh writhing in pain and going "Noooooo, this is ridiculous, I don't deserve this!" I know my flesh does that a lot.

"It is only imperfection that complains of what is imperfect. The more perfect we are, the more gentle and quiet we become toward the defects of others."
-Francois Fenelon

5. It's not about me. Blah. This one doesn't even need talking about. My whole life is one big lesson on this truth.

How I Study My Bible

2010-12-07T11:43:00.000-05:00

I've had this post in mind for awhile...but could never force myself to actually write it. You see...when it comes to the day to day workings of my relationship with God, to talk about it kind of feels like talking about sex with my husband--intimate. To intimate for sharing with the Internet.

But, I think it's important for everyone to be taught how to study their Bible--and thanks to my wonderful parents, I was. Also, I guess when you can't forget something you don't want to do, it probably follows you should go ahead and do it....

Now, I want to make something super clear. Right. My way is not the only way. Granted, there are certain principles for studying that I think are pretty universal, but I'm in no way sitting here and expecting everyone to study the same way I do. That's ridiculous.
And, studying is one component of the entire relationship. Just like...ehem...sex...is only one part of the marital relationship.
Yuck...how did I get here?
Okay (*mentally bucks up*) Let's take a journey through my quiettime history, shall we?

First...my parents never did devotions with us. They prayed with us every night, but we never read the Bible at the kitchen table or anything. I don't think we even read the Christmas Story during the Holidays. My parents had an attitude of transparency about their own relationship with God without trying to force us. I don't know if that sounds quite right...but the emphasis was always placed on us (the kids) developing our own relationship...one that was personal and private and our responsibility. No one checked in daily to see if I was having my quitetimes. (except when I was being a beastly person and my mother would go "did you have your quiettime today? and I'd storm away because...no, no I did not--BUT THAT'S NOT WHY I HAVE SUCH A BAD ATTITUDE!...ehem.)

So around the age of eleven, I think was when I started having quietimes. Not sure why. Just seemed to be a good time to start I guess. For years and years I did the same thing.

I have stacks of these composition books. Okay, maybe "stacks" is a little much. More like a small pile of these books tucked away in my storage containers. For a very long time, I followed the same format with my quiettimes. I picked a book to go through, read a chapter a day, picked out a verse I liked, copied it and wrote about what I liked.
This particular composition book comes from the time in life right before I discovered the book that every Christian should read, so it's filled with rantings about "I know I'm a bad person, why haven't you given me a SOLUTION for it damnit!" Minus the cursing.

Apparently my solution that day was to become mute. Fantastic.

Eventually I gave up on this specific format. I think in college, my dad did this series on How to Study Your Bible, and I read a copy on summer break. That helped me tweak how I was approaching things.
Occasionally I do things differently--like when I'm sick and tired I'll just read something random off my phone. When I'm going to a weekly bible study, I use the study as a daily quiettime. But overall, this is how I do it.
These days I like using the soft cover Moleskine notebooks.

You can get them at Barnes and Nobles. I love the soft cover because it's still durable while being able to wrap the cover around and distort it like a regular notebook. I also love the quality of the notebook. I'm a little bit of notebook fiend so...you know...anyways.
I still pick a book. I've been in Isaiah for a year...I'm only on Chapter Six. It's not because I'm getting like four million nuggets of truth out of each verse, it's just because I'm slow and do about a verse a day. If I'm lucky. If it's a long verse...it's like half a verse. Some days I do two or three. And for the past couple months, I've been reading random bits before passing out. Pregnancy...

I start out the book with as much background information as the Internet and commentaries will offer up. For Isaiah, background information and historical context is pretty important to "getting" what is going on. So I spent some time pulling all that together. Just as a reference as I go through the book.

I try and base everything out of what the Word actually says. So I didn't waste much time worrying about the broad historical context...I just took it right out of the first verse and filled in that background information. Does that make sense?

And since geography comes into play in Isaiah, I also traced a map. These things are just for orienting myself on context quickly.

I start out by reading over a whole chapter. That's usually one day.
The next day I might read over it again...depending. The point is to get on overall view of where we're going before I get tunnel vision on individual verses. And of course to figure out the context. I usually make notes in Bible about who is speaking, who they are speaking to, what they are speaking of, if it's future or the present time (shown by word indication usually). I try and pay attention to the grammar structure, and if the message keeps going even though the chapter is broken up.

Then I'll start verse by verse.

I don't have a specific format...sometimes I copy the verse, sometimes I just copy important phrases. I look up words (in Strongs) that seem significant, or words that would change my understanding of the whole verse. I'm looking back at who is talking, who the message is for, if it's present time or sometime in the future...Overall, I want a clear understanding of what is being said and who it's being said to.

I don't often use commentaries. If something about a verse is odd or up for translation, I'll read several commentaries to see what they say--but I try to form all my opinions straight out of what I find in the Word itself. I'm not saying I know better...I'm saying, I don't want to know better at this point...I want to make sure that I'm searching it for myself and trusting that God will correct me if I'm wrong, instead of making the Word fit into someone else's opinion. If a commentary has something I think valuable, I usually copy it down by saying something like "McCarthur notes that..." or "Henry notes that..."
Overall, I prefer to find other verses that comment for me...like the subject of the terebinth trees mentioned in Isaiah 1:29.

At then end of the chapter, I read it over for a couple of days and then I write a review. This helps me process everything and not get lost in the forest because my nose is stuck to the bark of a tree.

I also write a review for sections of message. Chapter breaks where put there by man. So, in Isaiah for example, Chapters Two through Five are actually one big long, unbroken message. I read all of it at once and then write a review of that whole message to make sure I processed it all as a whole, and not just the individual verses (can you tell I think that's important?)

And of course these are notebooks for myself so everything changes and I would imagine it's hard for anyone else to read and understand the notes I make. I do things this way because I like to study, I'm a paper and pen kind of person and this helps me process things.

So that's the way I study my Bible. If for some reason anyone wants to ask me a question, feel free to email or leave me a comment. I'll work really hard at getting my pregnancy brain to work again and answer.

Responsibility

2010-12-05T16:30:00.001-05:00

When my little boy was born, I laid in the hospital bed that night, staring at this tiny swaddled shrimp of a baby, and was filled with panic over the thought of being responsible for keeping this thing alive. I didn't sleep those nights in the hospital...it felt like the baby's ability to breathe was tied to my staying awake. I felt like I was keeping him alive by sheer force of will. Obviously that didn't last long....

Now I'm entering the stage of parenting where keeping him physically cared for is like freaking cake compared to the responsibility of turning this crazy toddler into a responsible, God fearing adult. And it's mostly my responsibility. WHO GAVE ME THIS JOB? Why does anyone become a parent? Mentally, every time I think about this, I feel like curling up into a corner and whimpering until someone magically tells me how to do it.

I was really struggling recently...

I felt frustrated as a parent. I felt like I was always fighting with my baby. I felt like I was engaging this child like I would my sibling--yelling and wondering when his parents would get home and take him away.

All the advice I got involved seemed like more of what I was already doing. It's not like I am a parent who recoils from spanking my child...it's just that my kid could care less. All.the.time. He just wants it over with so he can go back to whatever it was he got spanked for in the first place.

But my parents...they reminded me about the heart. How you don't really want behaviour modification in your child...you want their heart to change. How that sometimes means you overlook actions in favor of focusing on heart issues. And they reminded me how no one is capable of being a parent without the empowering work of God in them.

I guess I'd always thought it in my head, but never really vocalized it back to God. I'm incapable of raising this child. TOTALLY INCAPABLE. DO YOU HEAR ME? Do it for me!

And since then, I don't know what's happened...but the relationship with my baby has kind of changed. I marvel at these times in my life, because it's so clear that I didn't set out to do anything differently. I didn't come up with a five step plan after studying the scriptures. I didn't read a great book and change my ways. I just surrendered my heart and can sit back and wonder at how, all of a sudden, I'm a different kind of parent, and I'm not sure what happened. That's the work of the Holy Spirit. Nothing of mine.

One way this came out recently, is with our Christmas tree. I determined long ago that I was just going to put the tree up and assume it would get destroyed with a small child running around. I figured it would be a good training tool, but in the end, if things got broken--no biggie.

And this ornament...oh it's pure temptation to my teddy bear loving child. And it hangs right out in front, on his eye level.

One time. That's all he's touched it. And I have no idea how, or what happened, but I got on the floor with him and somehow managed to train my son not to touch the Christmas tree. It's been a week and not a single ornament or light has been moved. And the best part, I haven't had to fight with him about it.
Miracles come in odd packages as a parent.

Eleven Weeks

2010-12-03T14:49:00.002-05:00

I started this maternity project just busting with creativity and the exuberance of copying someone elses idea. I wouldn't have to try so hard to be creative--after all, there were TWO of me in the same picture, how much more creative could you get?

Then, my addled pregnant brain forgot all my cameras at my parent's house (I also forgot to type the word "brain" in there and had to go back and fix it). And it left me twiddling my thumbs, looking at my cell phone and wondering how on earth I was going to do this without my real camera. If I wanted to keep taking pictures...I'd have to...*gasp* ....actually be creative.
Truthfully, this thinking process on how I was going to keep up the series without my camera, left me being honest with myself. I was relying on a gimmick. A trick. A neat little tool of the photoshop and tripod. It was like I had put myself into a box so I wouldn't have to try and think "outside of the box".

My parents were very kind and sympathetic to my plight and actually mailed me my camera's (as I nervously kept upping the amount to insure it for-- you would think it's expensive, but it's just that I can't afford to replace it). And so when my wonderful DSLR came back to me on the day I usually take belly pictures...I found myself looking at it and wondering...

What should I do?

Should I keep going in the narrow, creative confines of double exposure and copying someone elses idea...which might not be narrow to other people, but by eleven weeks was narrow for me (and my narrow angle lens). Or should I just chuck the plan and try to shoot something interesting?

The thing about maternity shots...I mean, they are so easily overdone. All the same poses, all the same angles. No other family type subject matter is so limiting. I mean, how many times can you shoot a pregnant belly and have it look different? And for my project--how many times can you shoot the same belly and have it look different?

I guess that's my new goal.

Announcement: There's a reason for my depleted brain cells.

2010-11-29T22:10:00.001-05:00

Did you know that a woman's brain shrinks by eight percent during pregnancy and six months post-partum.

Eight percent.

Apparently, I heavily rely on that eight percent.

And this little pumpkin

...turned my brain into sludgy mush that spends all day slowly washing back and forth in my now roomier skull.
Maybe that's where the nausea actually comes from.
Part of my ultimate brain failure during early pregnancy involved leaving BOTH my camera at my parent's house this weekend. You know, just in time for the holidays. So, courtesy of my cell phone--here is a belly shot at 10 1/2 weeks.

I guess I can't make a pregnancy announcement without reminding everyone how virtually, nearly, laughably impossible it's supposed to be for me to get pregnant. I'm thankful that God has, so far, decided to bless us with another child. More than thankful....just...overjoyed.

It's Tricky.

2010-11-19T09:37:00.001-05:00

This being a parent thing and all.

The other day, me and Baby M had a fight over dinner.

Listen--I was raised in a house where you either ate what was served, or you went hungry. Including... *gag* refried beans. I can't think of one way in which gagging over refried beans hurt me and about a handful of ways in which it helped. ALSO I do not want to be a short order cook. I don't care if no one likes it, this is what is for dinner.

So I put some salmon in front of my year and half year old and he whines and cries and holds out his hand for "gahhfish" (goldfish). I'm like, tough kiddo, you like salmon...eat it.

Now at that point it wasn't serious...it wasn't parent vs. child.

I left the kitchen and went to watch the news. All of a sudden one of those purple faced, ear splitting, temper times a million screams split the air. My child is apparently dying a very dramatic death over having to eat some fish for dinner.

Before that scream it was like...okay, whatever, just eat something.

After that scream, it was--oh HELL no.

So I dug in my parent heels and we sat at the table for over an hour, crying the whole time, as I forced him to eat at least one piece of fish.

He did. And then I let him get down and I put him to bed hungry.

Now, I felt all mommy sad inside for having to put my child to bed when I knew he was hungry...I didn't even let him have milk (fills his belly up-the point was for him to feel hungry because he didn't eat). But, at some point I was going to have this battle. I'm sure he's old enough to understand (he's old enough to be stubborn about it) and I might as well get it as early as possible.

Right. That's what I told myself.

The next morning, I got up early and made him eggs, toast and blueberries for breakfast. While flipping the eggs, I'm pondering if making a special breakfast for my little troll of a child is somehow undermining the whole "eat it or go hungry" thing I had going on.

I figured oh well.

Then my mommy guilt and apprehension was tripled when I noticed Baby M shaking in his seat. His hands were visibly shaking when reaching for his toast. I started thinking about googling signs of childhood diabetes and feeling like maybe I shouldn't have sent him to bed hungry after all.

But you know what happens? The kid doesn't eat breakfast!

I didn't pick a fight. I was tired of fighting. He ate one bite from each corner of toast and then threw all his blueberries at the dog (blueberries are his favorite!). He cried when I tried to offer him some of his eggs.

I was stumped, my parenting skills felt non existent and I was overwhelmed. I mean, how STUBBORN could this child be.

Anyways, so I gave up and took him to wal-mart to get milk.

On the way home he threw up.

Apparently he was sick to his stomach.

And all he wants, all day, is goldfish.

Werd

2010-11-17T14:37:00.002-05:00

When I say my brain has not been "firing on all cylinders" I mean quite literally that I lay around all day drooling and trying desperately to finish a complete whole thought without getting tired in the middle and giving up.

I can tell you, my parenting skills are suffering from this.
And so is my housekeeping.
And we all know my blogging.

The most fun a Boy can have.

2010-11-10T16:00:00.001-05:00

I used to think that most of the so called "gender" differences were mostly learned things. Like, a little boy with older sisters will want to play with dolls because his sisters played with them. And certainly, I'm sure there is room for that still--but becoming the mother of a little boy (who is currently trying to pull my sock off), made me realize just how ingrained this "boy thing" is.

No one taught him to say "vrroom vroom" and push a car...he just figured it out.
When we visit my family, Baby M goes right up the stairs to my brother John's room to collect fistfuls of matchbox cars.

He does like baby dolls, in the same way he likes teddy bears--he hugs them, kisses them and then drops them on the floor and wanders away.

And now, whenever he goes outside, he wants to go to the barn. One day I turned my back for a second and thought I completely lost him. In thirty seconds he'd ran down the hill, out of the gate and into the barn.

His favorite thing about the barn is the tractor. I think he thinks that if he goes down there and gets on the tractor, daddy will somehow magically appear and take him for a ride.
But his second favorite thing...is the dirt floor.

And he loves it in a way that makes his laundry doing mother cringe and wring her hands.

And I just can't imagine a little girl doing this.

This was a little bit ago...like a couple weeks...and the shirt and pants are still sitting on the porch. Oh wait--J moved them downstairs yesterday. Still haven't made it to the washing machine.

But I couldn't really stop him. I mean, he loved it!

Ehh, a little extra laundry doesn't hurt anyone--right honey?

Hippie Dreams Part Deux

2010-11-09T13:06:00.001-05:00

If you ever make a climbing trip to Summersville Lake--check out Hippie Dreams (5.7). It's a great climb, easy for everyone to do, but enough height (70 feet) to make it a little more challenging. At the top, you break out of the trees and have a good view of the lake.

I used to love just climbing well, now I love taking people climbing, being outside and enjoying something easy and good. Ahh Mommyhood, what have you done to me?

Slow Posting

2010-11-08T13:31:00.000-05:00

I have tons of things to write about...and pictures to add in for fun...and gift ideas...
But my brain is not firing on all cylinders, and I'm rarely making it down to the computer for any length of time.

Hopefully after the Holiday's the fuzz will clear out of my brain. Until then, don't be alarmed if I'm only posting two or three times a week and if I forget to respond to your comments. And please don't leave me, I promise I'll be back!

November Gift Guide: Something for the Men!

2010-11-04T10:44:00.001-04:00

These are a little more pricey (but not terribly much) and seem like something a man could appreciate. Also another Etsy find, hand carved razors.

The best part is, the re-fill razors are just the regular Gillete Mach 3's. At around $35 this is a cool, practical gift for a guy. Get them here.

Insert usual disclaimer. If I ever forget, just assume. I don't do any product reviews in exchange for stuff. Ever.

November Gift Guide: Mason Jar Soap Dispenser

2010-11-04T10:40:00.001-04:00

When I saw this, I could easily think of a handful of people on my Christmas list who would like this. I mean...it's VAT of soap.

(My mother comes to mind right away, because they are always running out of soap over there. Always.)

Made by Post Road Vintage...this big one is $25.99, but they also offer some of the smaller jars for around ten bucks. I love that it's pretty moderate prices for a neat, classic gift that you can't say...go buy at Target.
Here's the Etsy shop

If This Ends In A Klan Meeting....

2010-11-04T10:31:00.001-04:00

My husband moonlights as a rally car driver.

Okay not entirely, but he should. He can take any car and make it do a full, four wheel slide around a bend. In his academy class, he was the top driver--beating even the professional race car driver (the only one who was willing to ride with him). In snow and ice, he can get even a two wheel drive car places you couldn't imagine. During the blizzards last year, I never missed a Dunkin Donuts because I had a super awesome driver to take me around. Basically, driving is what he is really really good at.

So deep in the mountains of Southern Virginia, he finds places to take a car that you wouldn't think of.

Sometimes, it is not exactly legal...sometimes he tries to drive down hiking trails...but this time it happened to be okay. And so we started ~~winding~~ tail-spinning down the mountain.

and seven miles later, with no end in sight...a whiny baby in the backseat and a whiny mommy in the front...J goes.

"If this ends in Klan meeting, I'm gonna be pissed!"

I was a little carsick so my photography was not so great.

In the end, we made it all the way...twelve miles...down the mountain. It was a logging road that ended in a tiny little village consisting of three trailers, five stacks of wood and three confederate flags.
We skedaddeled.

Kaymoor Mines

2010-11-02T09:37:00.001-04:00

One morning in West Virginia, we went over to the top of the Kaymoor Mines. These are some of my favorite photos of the whole trip. It was a gorgeous view on top of the old cable system the miners used to get down the mountain.

If the baby said "car" one more time, I might have actually dropped him in.

Okay not really.

The Kaymoor Mines rock climbing area was only a short distance from this place, but we were parents with a child and no babysitter--so no rock climbing for us that day. My parents were coming that evening, so we just had to be patient.

November Gift Guide: Listography

2010-11-01T13:58:00.002-04:00

I love blogs that do gift guides, mostly because I usually am pretty stumped with gifts. Or, I at least feel that way. Especially for men. Anyways, so all of November I'll be posting a cheap gift idea that I thought was neat.

Starting today with the Listography!

This appeals to me, because I'm a list kind of person. And if you have any list kind of people in your life--it will appeal to them as well. It's a calender/planner of lists!
Ahhhh.

Note: Same old same old about how I just like this and they don't know me and yadadadada blah blah I just liked it and posted about it.

Beating the Dead Horse

2010-11-01T13:50:00.000-04:00

There is no argument I hate more than the "Pre-destination vs. Free-Will" argument. HATE IT.
I mean--I have a point of view, I have studied for myself and evaluated both arguments and come to a conclusion I feel is supported the most. But, I always feel like I'm trapped in a hamster wheel of doom whenever this topic comes up. You just go round and round, with no outcome except tiring yourself.
HATE IT.
It's the beating the dead horse debate.

Not exactly sure what kind of mumbo jumbo I've taken a break from climbing/outdoors/baby topics to talk about? Oh joy- brace yourself- RELIGION.
Pre-Destination: The belief that God pre-ordained people to be saved. They believe you cannot even want to know God without him making you want it. And some people he makes want him and some people he doesn't. Mostly, these people fall under the category of "Calvinists"- stemming from the teachings of John Calvin and the five point belief system.
Free-Will: The belief that salvation is available to all at any point in time. They believe that everyone has to make a decision about their relationship with God and that "free-will" decision is something that God chooses give everyone. They are commonly called "Arminian"

The thing is...when it comes right down to it, it's really about splitting hairs, and a lot of times it seems like people are saying the same thing but with different words. So, while me and J have a certain belief--we find ourselves ending up in churches that hold the opposite belief. And normally, it's not a big deal, because we believe the same things on important stuff. Have I confused you yet?

Okay, so yesterday, we went to the church we've been attending for a little bit. The normal pastor was out, the youth pastor guy was speaking.
He started out in Matthew Chapter 12, verses 33-37, I'll include them here so we can all ride the crazy train together.
"Either make the tree good and it's fruit good, or else make the tree bad and it's fruit bad; for a tree is known by it's fruit. Brood of vipers! How can you, being evil, speak of good things? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good things, and an evil man, out of the evil treasure brings forth evil things. But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned."

I want to pause a second and ground you in the context before I go off down the bunny trail of "oh my goodness, this can't be happening" we listened to yesterday. Jesus is speaking to the Pharisees (corrupt religious leaders), and Jesus states this as part of a larger response to the accusation that He (Jesus) was casting out demons by the power of the devil (vs. 24). These versus were the conclusion statements in his response, and his response (in verses 25-37) can best be summed in verse 26 "If Satan casts out Satan, he is divided against himself. How then will his kingdom stand?"

Alright, so the pastor reads those verses and starts immediately down the trail of "not actually being saved, but thinking you are." and "working out your salvation"
Cue my head thumping loudly on the back of the pew in front of me. J drew on the bulletin this picture depicting the sermon.

(Side Note: Children's Bulletins are great for ADD/ADHD adults with problems focusing in church. Don't ask us how we know this)

The issue here is a splitting hairs type of issue, but as the sermon continued, it was clear that this little tiny crack had some majorly huge consequences.

It starts with a tiny little difference in salvation doctrine. He says, God chooses who he wants, then we have to make a decision in response to him. I believe that ~~God chooses who he wants, then~~ we have to make a decision in response to Him. Not a big deal, right?

Until we get down this road of complicating our salvation.

The pastor finished his sermon with a "call"--which I think summed up his points really well-- first he skipped people who aren't saved (because, let's be honest--God might not have pre-ordained you, so who cares about you), then called on people who thought they were saved but weren't bearing any fruit to admit they weren't really saved and repent, then he called on people who thought they were saved but weren't bearing as much fruit as normal to examine if they were really saved. Meanwhile, I'm just as confused as you are about what kind of "fruit" he's talking about. (So sue me, I like things clearly defined) I'm in the back pew going "OOHMYGOD, I don't have any oranges on me, I must not be SAVED."
Okay, so I was a tad exasperated. Plus, six months ago I got into a argument with my cousin over this very issue! (Also Calvinist, also went down the same road of conclusions to get to that point)

After church I went to the gym, worked out my aggression on the treadmill and I've come to the conclusion that the root problem to all this, is very simple. To someone like this pastor, there are only two types of people:

Except, I think Scripture is very clear that there are three types of people:

I don't know about you, but I bounce between crap and.....oh let's be real, I'm pretty much always in the crap section. I'm hoping to someday actually bounce between some level of maturity and crapola, but until then, my life is pretty much lived in varying shades of rebellion. I think, that this is the case for most Christians, and I'm not basing that off of people I know (haha) but off what the Bible says about the struggle in the christian life. (For the flesh lusts against the Spirit and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another so that you do not do the things that you wish...Galatians 5:17...) The thing is, that doesn't threaten my salvation, and it cheapens the gift of salvation to complicate it in such a manner.

In both this man's sermon, and in discussions with my cousin, it's an issue of complicating salvation--it can't possibly be that easy. You can't just say a prayer, think you mean it and then live your life however you want and still be going to heaven. And I understand how the flesh wants to think that way. But quite honestly, I don't see anything in the Bible that says "if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead and your life changes and you bear fruit to show this, you will be saved." NO! It only says "if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus, and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved." (Romans 10:9) "What shall we say then, shall we continue in sin that grace my abound? Certainly not...Shall we sin because we are not under the law but under grace, certainly not!" (Romans 6:1, 15). But sinning doesn't screw with your salvation in the slightest. You can go fifty years in pure rebellion and habitual quenching of God in you and still be saved. Theoretically. Most often it seems God likes to kill those people.

I was saved very young, at only four, and although I had a clear memory of that confession, I always worried it didn't "take". It's one of the first things young Christians struggle though (young as in spiritual life, not physical life). It doesn't seem like it can be that easy, and the change in your life isn't quite like you expected--it's freaking hard!-- and so I would pray again, just to be safe. The last time I did it was in middle school, and it was part of maturing in my faith-- to be confident and take God at his Word. To be secure in my position before him to where I could move on to other issues, trusting that my salvation was something that, despite my rebellious heart, my biting tongue and my hatred of God, I couldn't break away from. That's foundational...and when you start screwing with that, you start cutting your legs off.

What will happen to my cousin's faith, or this pastor's faith when they gets to a point in life where it's just hard, and you sees more of who you are, and there is no visible fruit to speak of? That's a normal part of a christian life-- it really is-- and you have to be secure in your relationship with God to keep working those things out, or you'll fall apart. If you question your salvation like this pastor was advocating, you will never move anywhere, because you'll always be looking back thinking "but am I really saved?"

One thing I really like about the Calvinist train of thought (after we move beyond salvation) is their practical understanding that they are incapable of anything, from salvation to the christian life. I don't necessarily agree with the conclusions they draw on salvation--but yes, for sure, the christian life as it is presented in the New Testament (both through the picturee of Jesus Christ as the perfect example, and the practical instruction through the apostles) is something completely unattainable by human effort. And the Calvinist churches I've been in, seem to have a better understanding of that than most. But, you just can't go anywhere unless you have the issue of salvation firmly taken care of.

Did I mention, I hate church?

I almost hate posting this because I've been in this "discussion" before and it is a hamster wheel of doom. I know the immediate response is, "people should question their salvation!" Yeah, I'm not saying you don't figure out how to be secure in that relationship (part of maturity, remember?) I'm saying, at a certain point, regardless of how crappy your christian life looks, you stop questioning that aspect. You know. Christians do bad stuff. Really bad stuff. Our trees can look pretty dead and twisted to the rest of the world. Doesn't mean they aren't really saved. Thank God.
Can I get an Amen?
Peace out girl scout.

A post about the actual definition and two types of "Salvation" in the Bible. Go on with your bad self and read something I wrote back before my brain was destroyed by child bearing.

Another Round At Peaks

2010-10-28T10:02:00.002-04:00

I've talked about Peaks of Otter a lot on here. It's only been like the biggest third party in my marriage ever. But, between babies and pregnancy--we hadn't climbed Peaks since we got married.

Now.

It's quite a hike.

Only a mile and a half to the top but my thighs and lungs burn just thinking about it. We went back to hike it this year, and Baby M is still at an age where he kind of needs to be carried. I've been hiking with him recently, so I put the wrap on and started out with him.

And up we went

It looks like it might flatten out a little there, but I promise you, that is NOT the case.

Needless to say, very quickly (pretty much several minutes after this photo was taken) we did a little switching.

That worked out much better...uhmm, for me.

See? Happy Mommy.

Anyways, before we managed to get the top, Boy of mine fell asleep. Which would have been adorable, except we'd suffered the night before to make him that tired (more on that later).

I'm kind of kicking myself now, but on the way down I was sooo tired that I didn't get out the camera and take a picture of the sleeping baby with his head flopping way back and his little fists tightly gripping the hem of J's t-shirt sleeves, like some sort of floppy driver.
Priceless.
But, did I mention the tired thing?
I was tired.
Finally, we made it to the top. Look! We're a mile and half above where we started.

Okay so maybe it's not a mile and half of air, but of twisty mountain path.

When we started out, I had this gut wrenching mother fear of allowing the baby to run around while at the top. I just had visions of him running right off the edge and tumbling down the mountain...my thoughts got quite vivid...I'm sure you mom's can relate. I think I've watched to many graphic movies.

But, as it turns out, it wasn't all that scary when we got up there.

Apparently the walls were a little higher than I remembered.

It was quite nice...and I felt really accomplished to have done it again. Oh...yes, the pack horse.

At any rate...it's been almost seven years since we hiked it together for the first time. *smile* and it was nice to be back.

Mrs. Wright.

2010-10-27T09:00:00.000-04:00

I call her Mrs. Wright
because I don't know her name.
She's full of spunk and spright
even after ninety-five years of change.

She married at fourteen
a man from the famous Wright family.
On their Virginia farm they planted beans
and babies in the house were rambling.

Her babies moved right down the road
and life in the Virginia hills rolled away.
Hogs to keep, garden to weed, things to be sewed,
except on the Lord's day.

Time passes faster than you'd think
and before you know it, she sits quiet,
on her couch, looking at the brink
watching the old hills and flickering sunlight.

Many years have come and gone
and a life fully lived with joy and regret.
But hold up silly child.
I AIN'T DEAD YET.

Dedicated to Baby M's GREAT GREAT grandmother. You read that right- two mothereffin greats. I met her for the first time this week and she's quite the sprightly lady. And she did marry someone from the Wright family-- his uncles were Wilbur and Orville. William Jackson Wright. Anyways. She was fun. And my husband was sad. And the baby did not cooperate. The end.

We Interrupt This Broadcast...

2010-10-27T00:45:00.000-04:00

To bring you a random crap (just wait) blog post about music.

Right now, we as a society are in the middle of another eighties--if the tweenagers and their skinny jeans don't clue you in, maybe the jelly flip-flops, silly bands, headbands, and neon colors will bring you around.

I HATE the eighties.

I hate the clothes.
I hate the makeup.
I hate the hair.

And most of all...okay...maybe not most of all...but overall, I hate the music.

Some aging rockstar...forget who (give me a break, it was four am and I was in the middle of marathon nursing session, be happy I remember the quote at all)...anyways, some aging rockstar was talking about music during the late eighties/early nineties and how it just got so terrible. The thing that impressed me was that he was part of one of those glitzy hair bands and he was sitting on VH1 twenty years later going "yeah, our music was crap...what were we thinking?"

And then, let me remind you, the crap dragged along until we hit 1991.
Well...I know all this from late night VH1 Rock Documentaries...not from personal experience. I was four in 1991.

So back to my original point. Right now we are in another eighties.

Just as Kickstart my Heart was a delicious, stupid, hair whipping anthem that although kinda sucks is tons of fun, so is rock music today:

I mean, it was all fast living, fast runs on the guitar and artful hair (imagine the ozone damage from hairspray from that decade alone).

Oh, I'm not saying the decade was devoid of any quality...I love songs like Def Leppards Pour Some Sugar on Me and GNR really rocked. Oh and watching these old videos made me realize why people were all hot for Axel Rose and stuff. He has not aged well.

All I'm saying is that in the early nineties, every one's noses seemed about ready to fall off, and the music was just swirling down the toilet with it.

Cue present day comparison.

If we are sticking to the category of "mainstream rock" we have the absolute worst crappiest band ever consistently churning out hits. They didn't start out this way. In my late high school/early college years they were just getting started and tried several times to put out music with a little integrity-- but they had a big hit and figured out that people buy crap. So they kept putting out crap. Hey, a man's gotta eat right? I'm not hating...my foot taps along to this just as much as the next person--but I KNOW music can be better.

Won't embed--so go watch.

This was the band that had the top selling rock album of 2009.
TOP SELLING.
Le sigh.

Do you want to know who also made the top five?

Ick
So right now, I feel like we're withering away into the land of "catchy crap"
And I'm wondering where our Smells Like Teen Spirit is.
You know...the early nineties game changer in mainstream rock.
The anti-thesis of big, loud, catchy hairspray and glitz rock and roll.
Nirvana.

Me and J were just talking yesterday about whether or not Nirvana was still relevant (and why it was played more than Rage Against The Machine...my hubby, the superfan).
I argued it was incredibly relevant.

Load up on guns and bring your friends
It's fun to lose and to pretend
She's over-bored and self assured
Oh no, I know a dirty word
With the lights out it's less dangerous
Here we are now, entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now, entertain us

HELLO? Do you happen to know a teenager--or at least still feel like one even as you watch Willow Smith whip her hair and feel at once really guilty, old and then click "replay"
Haven't heard it? Remember as you watch this. SHE'S NINE.

Okay back to Nirvana...
It doesn't matter whether you personally find Smells Like Teen Spirit relevant or very good--it did something for music back in the day (aside from marrying gritty rock and good songwriting). It turned out the alienation and the new computer/television generation angst into something you could soak into. You can't watch that video and not feel like it captured something about that moment in time. I was four when this came out and I can still watch it and relate in a way I'm not sure even how to express (and no it's not rooted in my love for flannel)

And think about the Nickelback video now. We're ten years into a war, several years into a recession. My generation (early twenties) is over sexualized, bitter, ironic, sarcastic, vicious, used, abused and have the patience for nothing. Is Nickelback as deep as we can go? Surely we've got more things to talk about than drinking, girl on girl action and staying up all night. Heck, at least do some drugs for like soul searching reasons. Partying is hands down the worst reason to do drugs.
Okay so there might not be any good reason for doing drugs...but I'm saying, tortured soul is so much more valid.
Of course, they are really quite tortured but so self-absorbed that they don't have any awareness to recognize it and turn it into something of artistic value. Blech, that's a bunny trail we don't want to venture down.

Okay, so...I'm talking mainstream. Nirvana was mainstream.
And I think there is some hope...we have a couple of bands who are pushing things in that direction. I mean, Kings of Leon doesn't have the talent to turn the whole rock music industry around (diva attitudes though, they have in spades).
But Use Somebody, and more importantly it's popularity, shows that maybe the tide is turning.

And although, Arcade Fire is not what you would call mainstream, it has a slow building popularity and the songwriting talent to go further than Kings of Leon.

Problem is, neither one of these bands are quite the traditional "Rock n' Roll"--blues/punk based rhythm.
So if we're heading more towards that traditional end of the spectrum...we've got a handful of bands who have maybe one good song in them...and nothing particurely game changing.

Disturbed is nowhere near either the popularity of Nickelback, nor do they have any real talent to speak of...but they are at least easy to listen to (at least for me..haha)

The best "rock" album to come out recently was probably Alice in Chains...and they are the early nineties. Check My Brain is their new single though, and while it's not the kind of new, current artist I'm talking about it--it's good.

Let's not forget Jack White...the man has done tons for the rock music industry in all his various reincarnations in the last decade...and I love me some White Stripes...but again, the Dead Weather--his most recent project--might be playing at the Roxy, but they aren't playing on top forty rock radio. That doesn't take away from how amazing of an artist he is though...this song makes my soul hurt in such a good way.

Anyways, I know this was probably a really weird, stupid post...but my house is pretty musically inclined (me and J listen to just about everything, even if it's just to sample what's going on) and so I've been chewing on this issue for awhile.
I mean does no one else see that Lady Gaga will be regulated to spinning classes in another couple of years, never to be played on the radio again (except the "oldies hits" stations)? The lady has got a lot of hairspray, a good producer and a smart beat maker...but she ain't got much talent. Club music was big in the eighties as well...I'm just sayin!

So, I wait...for the flannel to come back, the grunge and the baggy jeans...fashion follows music quite often--and Chanel showed clogs last spring...that means Nirvana is coming back as well, right?
Not sure how I made that intellectual jump...
The point is...music sucks right now.
I want a good rock band to fall in love with.

The End.

Crag Baby

2010-10-26T09:24:00.000-04:00

Taking a baby to a crag (re: rock climbing) is....quite foreign.

Most of the people climbing are young, single and very often in some stage of living out of their car. Rock Climbing is a culture, a lifestyle, a dedication--and we all know how hard it is to balance anything after you have a baby. I mean, I can barely get dressed some days. I've been puzzling over this idea of a crag baby since I got pregnant with Baby M. I've come up with lots of ideas:

Birth- Five Months: Hauling the carseat in on the approach hike. Except...the approach hike to cliffs can be quite grueling. Carseats are not made for that.

Five Months-One Year: Putting him in the Moby wrap on my back to belay. Then when J belays, he takes the baby. Still haven't tried this.

Past a year: Put a kid's climbing harness on him and leash him to a tree. That way he can play, walk around but he can't wander off. Haven't tried this either- not sure if this makes me look like a bad mom.

Eight: Off the leash?

Twelve: Finally, a useful belayer.

For this climbing trip, I'm not sure what we would have done without my family. Basically, I cheated my way out with free babysitting in exchange for belaying.

Whoever wasn't climbing, shuffled the baby back and forth...playing with him while they waited their turn on the rock. It worked out really well. I think. I don't know, I was busy belaying.

But I heard reports that my little crag baby was perfect. Patient...adventurous, rock scrambling, and all around the perfect, chubby little man.

I also hear my "little" brother did a lot of the baby sitting.
And my dad.

And I still don't know what to do with the concept of a crag baby. I am eager for him to be old enough to start climbing. Although...he certainly enjoyed the "climbing" he was doing on all these rocks.

I didn't really mean to dress my child like this--it just sort of happened.

I've been trying to find other couples/people/HUMAN BEINGS who could come along and do a belay/babysitting swap. I feel like another rock climbing family would be perfect. Parent's swap out babysitting and everyone can climb and still be together.
And now we've come full circle.
Because, pretty much everyone gives up climbing after they become parents. It's a lifestyle type of sport. A total dedication, eat-sleep-breathe rock type of love affair.
What's a climbing mommy to do?

Shiznit

2010-10-25T14:10:00.000-04:00

I cannot even begin to explain the depths of disorder my house has fallen into. It's like, I came back from vacation and went "Oh fuggin crap- did I leave the house like this?"
I think I'll go ahead and blame my mother-in-law. Yes, that's it. My mother-in-law totally was the one responsible for leaving really gross coffee cups in the basement sink. And she definitely spread every toy imaginable in every corner of my home.
Or maybe it was the dog.
Yes, the dog.
The dog put the black shoe prints all over the bathroom floor.
And for sure she changed the sheets and didn't bring the laundry downstairs.
Well, let's not go casting blame here or there...let's just take a moment of silence to reflect on how deep the pile really is--my laundry, that is. I can see it from here. It's about to grow legs and walk away.
So I've got my work cut out for me this week.

I don't know what it is with me and taking stupidly unfocused shots--and then kind of liking them--but this shot of a rainy morning at Peaks of Otter left me pausing, tilting my head and kind of liking it. I wonder what this says about my brain functions.

I've got a lot planned for this week of posting. Here's a sample of the rock we were on in New River Gorge. I thought this roof was gorgeous- perfect lighting, shady and cool in the warm, fall sun and looks like tons of fun. Unfortunately my fat butt can go nowhere near something like this (I peel right off like an overripe banana) but someday I hope to not be limited by my abilities. My brother took this picture, by the way.

After twenty hours in the car (over the course of the week) with a toddler screaming CAR at every.single.vehicle. DOGGIE at every single animal, TEDDY whenever he threw it and DADA just for good measure....I'm a little frazzled in the noggin area.

I guess laundry is a good enough cure for that as anything.

Out

2010-10-21T09:00:00.000-04:00

Nothing in Focus

2010-10-20T09:00:00.000-04:00

My posting is a little light this week. Right now...I'm writing this on Monday, hurriedly...with wet hair and a screaming baby before we head out for Virginia and West Virginia for our fall camping/hiking/climbing trip. So excited! But first I have to finish cleaning, wrapping things up around here.

I took this other day (you know the same rainy day pictures I've been posting) and I don't think a single thing is in focus- but somehow, I love the photo. It works for me...

P.S. You may wonder why I say I'm out of town on the Internet. Frankly, I've got nothing good to steal. My camera is with me- so is my climbing gear. I mean, if someone wants to track down my IP address to come steal my dirty laundrey, they are more than welcome to!

Those dumb gas tanks.

2010-10-19T09:00:00.000-04:00

The baby loves to play with these kerosene and gas tanks. If I could get one thing for Christmas, it would be that my husband stops leaving half empty soda cans around for him and move these gas tanks away from where the baby usually plays.

Meanwhile, I'll just go ahead and take a picture.

The BIGGEST Peice of Photography Advice...

2010-10-18T09:00:00.000-04:00

Should you ever invest money in a full frame or even the most basic DSLR camera out there.

Do NOT waste your money on the kit lenses.

-By that I mean the zoomy ones that are usually included with the camera purchase. The average 18-55mm with an f-stop that only goes down to like 3.8 and SUCKS in pretty much every situation, except while trying it out in the store. It's deceiving because it looks more proffesional because it's bigger.

Just resist the urge, take the money and invest in a lens that you *think* will work the best for you. For me, after about two years of putting off and scraping together change--we purchased a cheap-as-dirt Canon 50mm lens. It's not a prime lens, it's not anything special, and can sometimes be limiting--but it is a thousand times better than the kit lens. It was a hundred bucks...and a very hard price to swallow even though that's pretty darn cheap for a lens (we bought the camera back when we were young, single and fancyfree with our paychecks). But it was worth it.

Whenever we have the money to upgrade our camera itself (*crosses fingers sometime this decade*) there is no amount of "cheap price" that could convince me to get a kit lens.

Just Trust Me On This One....

Vampire Mommy

2010-10-15T09:00:00.000-04:00

I realize it's the whole vampire craze that leads my best friend and my husband to call me a vampire when I proclaim my love for all things dark, dreary and cold in the weather. If I could never see the sun again (except for a few select days where I want to go to the beach) I would be happy.
I hate the sun.
That right there is probably why I'll never be a really famous "mommy blogger" a la Pioneer Woman or something...you can't have a snarky, dark mommy who hates the sun. It's like...you worry about the children in that scenario.

Anyways, all this to say--I love this photo. It was a total accident (didn't change any settings just saw something and snapped- then moved on) but it captures everything I like about dreary rain.

Maternity Shots for the Wine-In-A-Box Crowd.

2010-10-14T12:16:00.002-04:00

If you can afford to go out and hire a ridiculous-wonderful-amazing photographer to take a zillion pictures of you and your hubby in various maternity poses, including the ubiquitous and always present fingers making a heart on mom's belly, then this post is not for you.

If however, you have expensive tastes, no money in your wallet, mediocre at best skills or equipment and you're pregnancy photos amount to a handful of flash filled snapshots of you standing in your kitchen, hiding the food you're eating and wearing your husband's huge t-shirt. Well...this post is for you.

Did you know that being one of those poor kitchen standing women got me interested in photography in the first place? It was...and while I'm still what you would call "fledgling"- I've figured out a couple things about taking your own maternity shots. So here are my top self-pregnancy portrait ideas.

The Photography:

1. Find the Timer on your camera. My point and shoot has several timer options- the ten second one works best. My big Canon is a little more tricky because it doesn't stand up by itself, and needs the tripod. Most of my pregnancy, I used the point and shoot because of how easy it was. One of the few times I really value that. But anyways...finding and using the self-timer let's you take a hundred pictures until you look good without bothering your husband with things like "no...you can see a slight double chin, try again." or "No my belly looks funky, I think the baby kicked, try again."

2. Find Nice Light. Can't stress this enough. Turn off the flash (please for the sake of all things great, turn off the flash). And look around your house for nice, natural light.
The house I lived in for Baby M's pregnancy had nice light in front of windows and out on the back porch. The house we live in now has nice light in front of the open front door, on the outside porch and occasionally in the kitchen. You don't want direct, harsh sunlight- but something diffused and bright.

3. Find A Nice Background. Try and find a clean background. You want something that puts you and the bump on display- not whether or not you cleaned your bathroom mirror recently (ehem, you ladies who take belly pictures with your cell phone standing in front of the mirror- you can do better!)

4. Find a Prop. For said timer set camera. Because I don't usually just happen to have a piece of furniture hanging out next to great light. Drag a chair over, stick a stool on top, balance your camera on top and pray that it doesn't fall. Almost every single one of my maternity shots with Baby M come from a precariously balanced camera. A girl's got to do, what a girl's got to do.

5. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. No that's not what you say when you see how big your hips have gotten. That's what you need to do to get a picture where you look good. I'm serious, camera angles are MEAN. So keep moving and try a bunch of different things- look at what you've shot and figure out how to move to look better. The best stance I've found for simultaneously looking slim and showing off the bump is: stand to the side, rotate your leg closest to the camera out so your foot is pointed to the camera. Keep your hips straight and turn your upper body towards the camera. Don't be afraid if you take like 600 pictures- you can delete, and no one has to know! I promise, I won't tell.

6. If Possible, Get A Hand. I asked J to take some photos when we would traditionally hire a photographer (about 30 weeks- especially since I gave birth at 36 weeks). I tried not to be picky and figured he could shoot whatever and we'll see what happens. I was pleased. Of course- I couldn't ask him to take a million until I looked good-- and he got me eating a donut. But you know...that's pregnancy.

Or even ask a relative. I just did some maternity photos for my sister. I LOVE doing this kind of stuff for people.

7. Experiment. If it's just you, and the camera (and maybe a toddler or two running around), you've got nothing to lose. Try anything you want, browse photography sites for posing or background ideas.

Chronicling Ideas:

You can decide whether you want monthly or weekly photos. As the oldest of seven, I was always hugely fascinated with how you went from normal sized person to belly-out-to-here in nine months so I'm drawn to the weekly photos. Plus weekly ones keep the pregnancy rolling to a certain extent.

There are tons of creative options in how to document. With Baby M, I just added a photo to facebook and my mommy boards for every week- and then went back to scrapbook each week into his baby album.

If I ever have the chance to do my own portraits again, I'm totally going to do something like this one: Pacing the Panic Room Maternity Shots. I LOVE how it's set up. Creative people make me so jealous, haha.

There are just so many different ways you can document it...if you have a good idea, or a link to something cool you saw, just go ahead and leave a comment.

Have fun, and send me some baby dust so I can do better pictures this time!

I Refuse.

2010-10-13T14:49:00.000-04:00

He's been showing us quite the stubborn streak recently.

Considering he refused to come out of my pelvis, I guess I should have seen it coming.

Fifty Miles Out of the Way

2010-10-12T12:47:00.000-04:00

Early in the summer our landlord called us from Texas...well, called J...and asked us to go to DELAWARE to pick up a heavy, massive, random piece of furniture for them.
And my "helpful" honey said "okay."
And I groaned.
DELAWARE?

We put it off for awhile, and then decided we'd put it off long enough.

So if we're already in Delaware....we might as well head for Ocean City right? I mean...it's only fifty miles out of the way.

Paper Moon

2010-10-11T09:00:00.001-04:00

One of my favorite places to eat in Baltimore- and the home to many a fond pregnancy memory- is the Paper Moon Diner on W 29th street. It caters to a younger, hipster city crowd (re: poor and expensive, exploratory taste and Saturday morning hangover recovery fare). So it's pretty much the exact kind of place me and J can agree on eating.

Saturday afternoon, I was in Baltimore, checking out The Book Thing ( off West 30th street). Side Note: The Book Thing is really awesome. It's free books. Like a old, crap Baltimore building full of neatly arranged books that you can take for free. We donated there before, but this was my first "take" visit. I got Bringing up Boys, Cold Mountain (yes that "YOU'LL NEVA TAKE COLD MOUN-TAIN", apparently it's a book), The DaVinci Code and My Life in France, by Julia Child. I'd never spend money on The DaVinci code but I am interested to read it. I'm way behind the times I know.

Back to the food...because food is so much more important than reading, right?
Well, it makes for better pictures.

Because the Paper Moon Diner is something special in terms of decor.

Something special indeed. (Mr. Fork Mohawk man is sitting on a cow)

Of course, at noon on Saturday there is about a thirty minute wait. Since I have the world's most patient kid (so long as there are girls around). We waited. And he flirted with the college girls (no seriously, they called him a "little playa") and we explored the back alley's of Baltimore and the steady nature of bolted down porch chairs.

The wait inside was just as long (very annoying for a mother who ordered three grilled cheeses, but my kid was a trooper). It helps that there is so much to look at.

By the way, my Havarti grilled cheese on sunflower bread, with spinach and a mango chutney was pretty darn fat nasty.

Love At The Chik-Fil-A

2010-10-10T21:30:00.001-04:00

The Truth About Infertility.

2010-10-09T22:13:00.001-04:00

Truth Number One: Nothing hurts more than waiting for the first. Never knowing if you'll be a mom. Never knowing if you'll ever have a child. That is a hell I'd gladly never remember. Of course, at the time I was waiting for said first child, I worked fifty hours a week, spent twenty hours commuting. I spent every night alone, and only saw my husband if we happened to have a weekend off together. All that would change with a baby, and I knew that, but I couldn't change it until I had the baby...and the baby was just not coming.

Truth Number Two: Loss is harder. Not because loosing a child is easy on anyone, but because it takes so much longer (and may possible never happen) to have another chance. The claws of despair sink into your heart so easily in that situation.

Truth Number Three: Unless someone LIVES it- they don't know how it feels. It's easy for a "fertile myrtle" to throw around phrases like "God knows what's best" and "You need to trust him." and it's impossible to explain that it's got nothing to do trusting in God, and all to do with pain of being broken and...

Truth Number Four: Trusting God gives you an identity crisis. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I can get pregnant and have a child. But infertility forces you to face the questions- the questions of: Why is God not allowing me to have a child? What am I doing wrong? Is there something else I'm supposed to be doing right now? What lesson do I have to learn to have another baby? What obstacle course, question, quest, character flaw, milestone, contentment do I have to finish/answer/achieve/overcome/reach/come to before I am allowed a child?

Truth Number Five: I really do think you value the children you do have more. I don't actually have any idea, mind you. But not a single day has gone by in Baby M's life where I haven't stopped and thanked God for finally giving me a child. And secondary infertility is made so much less painful because of that blessing already in my life.

Truth Number Six: Even the slightest hint of baby desperation makes you fall apart. I cried--bawled--all the way through that dumb Julie and Julia movie. One look, full of meaning and sorrow, into a baby carriage and it's like...I understand. And it hurts. And you do everything you can to throw yourself into something else--anything else--just to fill that baby hole left inside.

Truth Number Seven: You are broken. No matter how great my husband is about my infertility--and he really is wonderful--it doesn't ever erase the fact that I'm broken. I don't work. AT ALL. And it makes me feel like less of a woman, it makes me feel like I've gypped him out of things.

Truth Number Eight: You believe in miracles. In order to have a child, God has to operate outside the normal bounds of the physical world, and that is the very definition of a miracle. I can get pregnant--but statistically speaking, it should take me twelve to twenty-four years longer than the average couple. The fact that I had a child three years into marriage (and a pregnancy and loss once before that), only shows how big of a God I really have.

Truth Number Nine: Re-read the identity crisis one. Add a layer of guilt for past sins. That's huge. On one hand, I feel like I'm suffering the consequences to things I've done in my past, and on the other hand I walk around my house, petrified that I'm somehow missing God's big plan for future. The plan he refuses to let me have more children until I do. I feel like I'm just sitting around, blowing it, and every day I miss what he wants, is a day longer I'll have to wait for a second child. Cue CRISIS. My writing buddy wonders how I can write a novel in three weeks. I'll tell you how- intense crisis of the soul during fertility treatments that don't fucking work. Pain has to go somewhere...

Truth Number Ten: You don't know when to give up. I've given up sometimes. Well, once, I gave up totally and applied to grad school and for a new job teaching at Baltimore's Public Schools (two things I could never do while pregnant/having a child). The week I submitted my applications, I found out I was pregnant. But it doesn't work like that again-- you can't try and give up so you'll get pregnant. Hope is a double edged sword and it cuts you deeply while you try and cut it out. I want to hang onto Michael's baby clothes, because I want to be like my sister and have a reason to need them, but I am not normal. Do I want to carry around four Tupperware containers of clothes that just remind me how screwed up I am? Or remind me how fast my only infant grew? I don't want to...and yet I still have hope I'll use them. So I keep them.

Side Note: The picture at the top of this post was a self portrait I did soon after loosing my first pregnancy. I was stuck in the inner city, away from my family, a newlywed without my husband and no way of changing the situation until I had a baby and could become a stay at home mom. In the span of six months, I was told I'd never be able to have children, I was pregnant, and that I had lost my only chance at a miracle. I take a lot of crap pictures of myself (duh, I'm a girl) but I guess the grief was so raw in my soul that I couldn't hide it for the camera at all. At the time I thought I looked normal....eegads.

Above All Else, Be Entertaining.

2010-10-08T14:17:00.000-04:00

I'm still working through the random snippets in my brain, so let's do a list shall we?

Husband: J had part I of his motorcycle training test today. Yesterday he came home, sat on the couch and said. "I should have practiced more today. I tried to help everyone else but now I'm worried I should have focused on myself more."

That made me panic for him (obviously I still don't know my husband).

Then at night he goes. "I don't want to anyone to fail. It makes me sad that people are going to fail."
So...I'm on pins and needles all morning, waiting for the text to see if he passed. Meanwhile I do what any good, stressed housewife does and I start baking.
Finally he texts to say he took the test.
WHAT? DID YOU EFFIN PASS? YOU LOSER.
Five minutes later he texts. "Yes, I got a 96 out of 100 and those 4 points were stupid mistakes, I should have done it perfect."
He's got a pumpkin pie, chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes and crescent rolls for all his hard work. And for stressing me out.

Reading: I'm querying a book- not writing one anymore. So that means a lot of five minute emailing and then waiting for ETERNITY. Also, this means I start reading again. So let's go through what I'm reading/planning to read.

Currently Reading: Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers.

This book is-in my opinion- the best christian women's fiction ever written. If you haven't read it, regardless if you are a "christian" or not- just read it. Fantastic use of allegory (or is it metaphor? IDK...), historical setting and realistic relationships. This book is a favorite of mine and one that just sucks me in each time.

Want to read, but need to purchase/borrow: I'm finally going to read Harry Potter. I've never even cracked it open- but I think...you know, ten years later I can give it a try. I'm not a fan of "boy is not special, goes to special school, is found to be super special, must save the world" dribble...but the movies kind of intrigue me. So I'm going to give it a try.

The DUFF is also on my short list. Why do I have so much young adult? IDK, but this one looks awesome.

Need to re-read, for old times sake:

Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy. Absolute favorite book ever...well, actually, The Brother's Karamazov takes that award, but I get really depressed reading it- so I try and limit myself to a reading once every five years or so. Anna Karenina is just, fiction to perfection without the heavy baggage added to my soul (ehem. Karamazov).

Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. I like reading this just to remind myself that hey, marriage- yeah, it's not about me. Wish I could have that burned into my brain.

Photography: Has sucked. I've been leaving the camera on fully manual, even manual focus. Not been working for me. I get a lot of this:

or this

I'm going to keep working though. My little brother has been....challenging...me with his mad photography/use of my mom's crappy point and shoot recently. I'm trying to own up to the fact that I might not have any talent in this and will just need to work extra extra hard.

My speciality.

Baby M: Is way too big. He wears shoes, and holds my hand to cross the street. Cue fits of mommy sobbing.

Baby X: Which is what I'm calling the non-existent child I'd like to have, until such time we acquire him. Anyways, he's not around. We've exhausted our resources in this infertility battle and so I'm making lot's of lists about how awesome it is to only have one child. Like...we can still travel without selling organs. Uhmm...I can still use public restrooms and my two hands hold his two hands while screeching "DON'T TOUCH".

Truthfully, when I think about having one kid forever, I think about how much I will HATE the girl he marries and I see us (for some reason) traveling America in one of those Volkswagen vans. Like yes- the epitome of one child-dome is the ability to live like a hippie and go see the Grand Canyon.

My Laundry: Needs Done. In the worst way possible.

Fertility Meds: Don't work but make me miserable. That's called the worst of both world's.

My House: Needs cleaned. I've stepped in banana's about four times today. I haven't removed my socks yet- figure they can just dry.

Climbing: It's a gorgeous fall weekend, a long weekend and I've convinced my husband to attempt to take me climbing. We shall see if that happens. He's scheduled to put up drywall in his parent's new sunroom.

Best Writing Advice I can think of: Above all else, be entertaining. You can get away with murder as long as it's fun to read.

Catchup

2010-10-05T21:57:00.001-04:00

Right. My brain is still recovering from the whole insane writing bender I went on. Also...think I need to cut back on the coffee.

But EXCITING news: J got motor training.

He's all "I don't know, it's so hard."
And I'm all. "You loser, you always say it's hard and then you're like the top driver (or shooter) in everything you do."

So he comes home today and goes. "I almost dropped the bike. It was awful."
And I go. "Did anyone else drop their bike?"
J: "Welll..."
Me: "How many?"
J: "All of them."
Me: "So your the only who didn't drop the bike?"
He nods.
I roll my eyes.

And of course my mother is like "But it's so unsafe..." and I'm like, are you kidding me? The man has a gun. Motorcycles are not high on my "danger" list.
So then she asked if he could just do motorcades.
And I don't think she realizes that means he'll get BLOWN UP.
So I told her.
Mom: "Oh."

Oh Indeed. But I digress.

Other news? Yeah...This girl got herself a QUERY.
I'm trying really extra hard to resist the temptation to immediately email it to every agent nationwide (okay I might have broken down and done like one or two). But my first chapter is uhmm...messy. Not first chapter- first scene. I struggle with them. STRUGGLE. All I need though- is someone to keep reading. Go on agent...keep reading.

Here is my query (you can find my current messy awful first scene and the query on the TAKE ME HOME link above- I take suggestions!).

Lying in the dirt with a hole in her leg from her scissor wielding, methed-out mother-in-law, Rebekah knows her marriage is at a crossroads. Fifteen hundred miles away from her Baltimore cop husband, Bekah’s just found out she doesn’t even know his name. And that baby rolling around in her stomach only complicates the issue.

She’s come a long way in a short amount of time. A year ago, she was rock climbing in West Virginia, happily smoking a Newport to celebrate her weekend freedom from the denim skirts and head coverings of her strict Pennsylvania Dutch family. Then she met Logan Densmore. Six months later she’s running through the maze of West Baltimore’s notorious streets, trying to understand the rules of the "corner"- the open air drug market- and her husband. Now she must decide what it really means to commit to someone, and use every bit of corner logic she's learned to put that commitment to the test.

Yes- if The Wire (HBO) and the Amish romance section of Barnes and Nobles, got busy after hours and had an illegitimate love child- this book would be it. WITH TERRORISTS!

Other news...hmmm...I finally went grocery shopping.
The weather is perfect.
New River Gorge (and climbing, camping and cooking outdoors) in TWO WEEKS.

Just realized I have office work tomorrow morning. Oops. One of these days, I know I'm going to forget. Bad volunteer, bad volunteer.

Ten Reasons I'm Probably on a Government Watchlist.

2010-10-04T23:16:00.000-04:00

1. My husband is federal law enforcement and dreams of his retirement party being this- on the front steps of the U.S. Capitol.

2. I post that fact on the Internet.

3. That band? Oh yeah...we might have gone to see them. Jared several times. Me once. Recently.

4. When we get together with other law enforcement families, topics of conversation always revolve around what we would do as criminals/terrorists.

5. We smuggled Cuban cigars through customs.

6. In the last week I've done google searches for "things terrorists say on those videos" and "Mossberg 590A1" and "Splinter cells"...all for my book, but you know...try and explain that.

7. In college I took out a lot of books about Communism. I had a professor from South America and the history there is fascinating. But seriously, what college student doesn't do this?

8. I'm registered Libertarian.

9. I own unregistered weapons. Sawed of shotgun that you shoot from the hip type weapons. Seriously, you can't hit a darn thing if you try and shoot it normal.

10. I write lists like this online. If I wasn't on one by now, this post certainly puts me there. Hope I don't have to fly soon!

Hi World.

2010-10-04T12:45:00.000-04:00

Three weeks...two weeks. Something like that. And 74,000 words later- I'm back!

I've got nothing to say. HA. No, seriously. I don't.
So here are my favorite writing links. Information on both the craft and the sale of writing.

The best forums, hands down Absolute Write. Query Letter Hell is worth the trip. (or in my case, many trips). And in the forums, stickies give me the best information about writing, editing. Also a valuable place to find a beta...other blogs. Basically, I'm lurking around here all the time. Huge resource.

Query Shark is great for reading. I wouldn't ever submit (just me) but I love reading where an agent stops reading while you try and sell her.

Valuable Agent Blog: Pub Rants. I've learned a lot about the selling process from reading her blog.

The agent behind Query Shark: Janet Reid. Lot's of valuable information on writing, selling.

Another agent blog resource: Getting Past the Gatekeeper.

BookEnds

Best Editing, Craft of Writing Blog I've seen: The Blood Red Pencil.

Best for stalking an agent to find out if they would like your book. And for other helpful tips: Guide to Literary Agents. Their interviews are fantastic in helping target agents.

The Rules of Commas. Because I have a comma problem.

Great Info on this agent blog, everything from craft to selling. Nathan Bransford.

An author blog, but geared towards re-writing. Excellent information: The Other Side of the Story.

I wouldn't input a whole book. But for smaller sections, this is a handy little tool for finding what words you use the most. For example, my first draft of my first book I think I used "JUST" like...oh about a million times. Thanks Sabrina! Wordle.

Alright, I think that's it. Time for me to start up the query machine and try and churn something out. Blech. And a synopsis.

Does anyone else write (like other than the awesome word vomit that is blogging)? Any good links to share?

Life in an Open Air Drug Market

2010-09-30T21:00:00.000-04:00

I found this on my computer, while searching despretely for about 10,000 lost words. Ugh. I didn't find them, but I had forgotten I wrote this. I've been trying to pull back the memories of Baltimore as much as possible and this reminded me exactly how I felt there.

“It wasn’t a good movie. There was so much drug use. I was shocked. We turned it off.”
“Oh how terrible.”

Overhearing that conversation between two Christian friends shocked me for a moment. I took my eyes off my giggling son and glanced over. The conversation was continuing but I was still replaying those words in my head. I had forgotten how the Christian world views drug use.

After two years in inner city Baltimore I don’t even notice a difference between someone smoking a cigarette or someone smoking weed. I am no longer shocked when the person I’m talking to raises their arms to gesture and I notice a map of track marks. I step over the needles in my yard, leaving them for my police officer husband to take care of while I pick up any baggies of crack leftover from a drug raid of the house next door.

Enforcement personnel (like my husband) and those involved in rehabilitation are waging a physical battle in a spiritual war. The drug market does not exist because there is a demand for drugs. The drug market exists because it creates places for people who, in this world, have no place. It creates a home for people who have no home, a job for people who would never be given a job. It creates a means for small boys still in elementary school to take some of the financial burden off their mother’s or their siblings. It creates a place for even the lowest of the low. The world outside of the inner city has declared them all worthless. They feel it when they go to the post office and are greeted with a solid wall of bulletproof plexi-glass and denied even the usage of a pen. They feel it when they go to the Social Security office or the DMV and are treated like animals. I know because I have been treated like one of them. The drug markets, the corners of inner city Baltimore, create a world in which they matter, where they can clearly see their relevance and their worth.

Each man plays a part; each is needed for the system to exist. The runners, the touts, the slingers, the stick up boys…even the police play a role. How do you fight a war of relevance with a baton and a gun? The despair is like a midnight ink that stains everything it comes in touch with. The stain stays on you and alters the way you view the world. As a crucial member of this market, my husband is, in effect, watching the world from the same standpoint as the people he battles against. Both culture and the Church solidify those positions by grouping police officers and criminals into underground warring factions that are highly irrelevant to daily life.

There has to be something deeper that changes lives. We need to be offering something of value in place of the needle to a fiend or in place of a drinking habit to cope with the despair weighing on a cop’s shoulders. You may sit in your pew and sing songs and think “these are deep and meaningful lyrics” or listen to a sermon and feel like you’ve really been taught something, but to people in my world, it’s worthless. What separates Christ from a drug? What happens when you take a poor black inner city man with a criminal record, no education, no home to speak of in legal terms and he get’s saved? He is still going to be a poor black inner city man with a criminal record, no education and no home to speak of in legal terms, only now his greatest hope is that he might die very soon to be with Christ.

I know as Christians we are taught to think of the pat answers in response to a question like that.

“God will provide.”

“God will change his life.”

Do not shy away from questions like that. Do not shy away from exposing yourselves to the atrocity’s that exist in this world. Do not shield your eyes and harden your hearts. Think about what you are going to do for your naked and hungry brother, even before his needle is replaced.

Manual Mode

2010-09-29T21:45:00.000-04:00

I've been leaving the camera in manual, and forcing myself to actually push all the buttons to control everything. I'm very jerky with it- but I'm almost to the point where I might be able to handle all three exposure thingies (you know, the aperture, the f stop and the iso)

Course, I've not actually been doing any of the right settings for what I'm shooting.

This photo was originally so so dark. I can't get rid of the noise now. Boo.

This one is not in focus. I had automatic focus on. So I switched to manual.

This just struck my fancy. Hello shadow!

This is manual focused. As you can see, it's not much better with a squirmy seventeen month old in time out.

I love how surreal these dumb animal heads make half of Baby M's baby pictures. Someday I will combine my basement and some tilt shift and then things will get really freaky deaky.

Nothing To Say

2010-09-28T09:45:00.000-04:00

I'm writing...and my brain doesn't blog very well when I'm doing that. Here are a few of my favorite pictures today. I like my husband. He's so cool.

This makes for awkward FOP moments.

2010-09-25T10:37:00.000-04:00

We are an awkward police family. My husband's retirement party dreams involve an upside down American flag hanging from the Capitol Building. This stems from a lot of things, but it's probably the reason why I ended up marrying him- anti-establishment. You know...while he works for the etablishement.

In our house we have a little phrase using the word "rage"- when J goes to work, it's "keep raging" or "rage against the machine" (not related to the band but meaning the same thing). And it includes officials, politics, drugs, whatever--both systems need raging against.

So when I catch Baby M dancing to a certain song- and I videotape it- me and J look at the video with a certain amount of "awww, our baby is so cool" pride. I want to post it on the internets....but something tells me that it won't help my run for "mother of the year"

So I'll just post the song he was dancing to instead. Get ready to kick it, old school.

Secret To Weight Loss: Writing Benders??

2010-09-24T10:59:00.000-04:00

Last time I checked in: 160.5 and holding. FOREVER.

So I gave up thinking about food- and started on a new book. Once I started writing, I couldn't stop. That was Monday.
It's so bad, I make myself a cup of tea late at night and then forget to drink most of it.

Current Weight: 155.5

I don't care if this is the most unhealthy way of loosing weight ever- I'm getting a book done and I'm loosing extra poundage for climbing in October.

So yes, the secret to weight loss is typing about thirty pages a day.

My halfway mark embarrassing mommy belly picture:

Catharsis.

2010-09-23T12:59:00.000-04:00

When I moved out of Baltimore- I was fleeing.

The neighborhood was turning, the city was crying and...the most terrifying: I was changing.

I had closed the door and turned up the music to drown out the sounds of a woman being raped in my driveway. I didn't consider calling the cops- in fact I thought "No way am I calling the cops". That would put me in a hugely vulnerable position. The cops could go home- the woman was probably a prostitute- the man would be out on bail within 24 hours. I was the one who would bear the consequences for calling. I was the one living there, the one easily found.

Then I realized what I did. And I called- anonymously.
And it was too late.

I'd come to that city completely naive, completely lost. I thought I was worldly- I thought I knew what pain looked like. But the world that opened up before me was something I didn't think existed. It's different- when you are lost in the sea of faces. It's different when you are labeled, and know better. It's different when you aren't trusted with a pen- in a bulletproof post office.

And so I fled- with things on my heart, on my mind that I didn't want to talk about.
Things the city had both exposed to- and about- me.

I'm writing...and remembering. And I'm finding that it's in many ways, a catharsis for that experiance.

It Looks Like A Murderer Lives in My House

2010-09-22T07:52:00.000-04:00

I have something serious to say- but first, I was cleaning off the dryer the other day. This was the stuff J pulls from his dirty clothes and leaves lying around the house.

At least these are just zip-ties and not the usual flex cuffs.

Question for police wives: Does your DH have flex cuffs stashed everywhere? Oh and rubber gloves?

Onto my serious topic:

I don't fear my husband being killed, so much as I fear him killing someone and living with that for the rest of his life.

The other night he came close- oh, so very close- but thankfully only has to live with another memory of person being killed in front of him.
This is why I think military women have it so much harder- especially those whose husband's have been in combat situations.

Witnessing death, taking a life- regardless of the situation- changes a person.

J changed the first time he was part of death. I knew him before and I knew him after. That first time was the moment he really became a cop- the first time I think he really started to feel the burden of the badge.

The Details

2010-09-21T09:00:00.000-04:00

Rachel and me are seventeen months apart. Every time I see her, despite the fact that she's thirty weeks pregnant with her second and I'm still waiting around for my second miracle, should it ever arrive- I thank God that he allowed us to be pregnant together. That my little sister didn't have a baby before me (especially when I'd been married and trying much longer). That sounds really stupid and immature...but I'm glad God pays attention to small details like that. It makes it so much easier to continue enjoying our sisterhood.

5 Other Things That Change After a Baby

2010-09-20T09:00:00.000-04:00

My son is almost 17 months old and I'm still learning how much someone changes after having a baby. I'm not talking about physical changes- God knows my body will never be the same *insert pouty face*- but little things I would never believe changing on.

1. Shopping. I grew up poor.

My best friend in high school was not and she always had the nicest clothes. I mean she wasn't out spending a fortune, but at a time where everything I owned fit into one laundry load, she had a huge closet, dresser and storage of really nice clothes. So I got creative- I wore my little brother's blazers and dress shirts. I wore my mom's old jeans (and cut the bottom seam so they wouldn't be so straight legged). I wore my mom's old skirts (high waists never killed anyone if you're shirt came over it). I shopped at goodwill and the salvation army. I never bought anything without it being on sale. In fact- my senior year of high school was the first time I bought anything full price. I really wanted a jean jacket- and I wanted a specific style (longer, fitted) so when I saw the perfect, classic jacket at Gap for $60.00, I sighed and bought it. I'm still wearing it and haven't regretted that purchase even once.

When working at Georgetown- prospective students showed up in Chanel suits- and even though I had more money, it still wasn't enough to buy Chanel. I kept digging through the racks at Off Sak's Fifth Avenue, The Rack (Nordstrom's castoffs) and the J. Crew outlet store in my college town. I still have very nice clothes that were thousands of dollars that I managed to snag for under $30.00. Okay- all fine and great,

until I have a kid.

And a boy.

And a dresser full of clothes that don't fit or look good.

And still not that much money.

And no time.

So now I discover that I don't care as much about being on sale. And I don't care to experiment or try a bunch of different things. I walk into a mall with a plan, a bagel (chewy bagels are heaven sent for little, squirmy boys- it takes forever for him to eat it) and the mentality that I just need one or two things that I love and look fantastic. No making it work because of the price, no tailoring, no digging, no branching out and for goodness sake's no silk, light colors or anything that needs dry cleaned.

P.S. This sweatshirt was on sale at J. Crew- like major sale- and isn't it just the coolest sweatshirt ever? I actually bought a more traditional pastel-y grey color. But it's got a zipper!

2. Hair. I probably work totally different from the general population. I never "did" my hair before the baby- it was always growing out and I hated to use heat and damage the ends and I didn't care. Grooming was something to get over with.

The first week after having the baby, I discovered something amazing about grooming as a mom- it made you feel human! It turned me from walking-nursing-death, is it night or day- mom to a twenty-two year old woman again. And recently, I 've discovered that if I actually do my hair, I feel human and my age and not wholly "mom" for more than fifteen minutes in the shower.

Kind of like that suave mom.

HA.

Who gives a rip about split ends anyways- I want to be young and non maternal still!

3. Exercise. I hated running before the baby. Chore, chore, chore and I did everything possible (e.g. swimming, biking, anything) to stay away from running.

Then in my ninth month of pregnancy I was on bed rest and all I could think about was going running.

At six weeks post-partum I went out for my first run. It felt so strange- the leaky breasts (even though I nursed right before), the swinging fat, the bouncing belly- but it felt so amazing to be free.

I ran three times a week during my post-partum phase. Two short runs (three miles) and a long run (five or more).

Then I ran ten miles, died and haven't run since. But that's another story.

The point is- exercise became so much more valuable as a mom- it was time to myself, quiet and reminding me that hey, I was still the old me somewhere under all this jiggling.

4. Time. I think the things we end up doing (regardless of our intentions) are the things we really value. Having a baby forces those priorities. Before a baby, even with work and commuting (my part time job was commuting), I still had tons of free time and it didn't seem to matter if I wasted it- I had plenty to spare. But after a baby, even though I seem to have more time to use- I don't really. Now, I find myself thinking "is this worth the time spent away from my family?" when I evaluate outside activities. Or if I have two hours of naptime- what are the most important things for me to do, because once the baby wakes up it's all over.
Kid's act so differently when you give them your time- so do husband's apparently. While it's a struggle to balance everything, having a child really does make your priorities very clear.

5. Other People's Kids. Maybe this one is because I have young siblings. But before I became a mom, I didn't think much about my parent's rules for their kids. I mean- I wasn't out doing anything with my younger sisters they would have forbidden, but it certainly didn't cross my mind to worry about it. Now, as a mom- I am so much more concerned with respecting my parents as parents of other children.

I learned this the hard way- two months after having the baby, my little brother threw a turtle at me. Like a live one-- like a "here catch, HAHAHAHA" type of annoying little brother thing. And I screamed and slapped him, like an older sister would.
Of course my mom couldn't spank me, or ground me or really even yell at me.
She said "I'm offended you would touch my child like that- especially since you are a mother now."
And I was mortified. Because it didn't matter that my younger brother threw a turtle on me...it mattered that I was disrespectful of someone else's child.
Though my mother can feel free to smack my kid should he ever throw a turtle on her.

Anyways. I am so very thankful that God let me have my son. Secondary infertility is not anywhere near as painful as the first round of "it's impossible to get pregnant- please God send me a miracle."

When I say I keep Dunkin Donuts in business....

2010-09-19T09:00:00.004-04:00

I mean that in the most issue-driven way possible.

It's a good thing I don't smoke.....

P.S. Dunkin Donuts does not support me in any way, shape or form- really I support them...and it's not even free...I pay $2.53 per cup to support them. (and write crap on my blog...) If I ever did accept a sponsor- it would only be from Dunkin Donuts...or maybe prana. Ahh a girl can dream.

Confessions of Hipster Christian.

2010-09-18T19:40:00.000-04:00

When I first started reading this article Hipster Faith by Brett McCraken in the latest Christianity Today, I did not even remotely consider myself a hipster. I was reading the article while waiting for Sunday afternoon football, while my one and a half year old wandered around my in-laws house. I was wearing sweats and a messy ponytail and driving an old Ford. I did not possess a "trucker hat" or "excess of scarves" as the article used to describe hipster. (This goes to show how far behind the times Christians are- trucker hats were cool like six years ago for about six months.) But the descriptions about how "hipsters" view church, kinda struck a nerve as being very similar to my own views- even though the author was mocking the whole time.

Okay now that I look at this- maybe I am a tad bit "hipster" How many of these do you think I have?

I couldn't decide what I thought of the article....it had some interesting looks at my generations approach to faith, but shrouded in a heavy mocking and condescending tone. Not to mention was like seven years behind the times....So as a "christian hipster" haha, let me share.

"Welcome to the world of hipster Christianity. It's a world where things like the Left Behind book and film series, Jesus fish bumper stickers, and door-to-door evangelism are relevant only as a source of irony or nostalgia. It's a world where Braveheart youth-pastor analogies are anathema, where everyone agrees that they wish Pat Robertson "weren't one of us" and shares a collective distaste for the art of Thomas Kinkade."

Confession Number One: I don't consider those things like Jesus fish bumper stickers and door to door evangelism to be ironic or nostalgic. I consider them to be worthless. My generation is one of instant connections, shallow relationships, symbolism as a stand in for conversation and flash meetings as a substitute for meaningful relationships. Crappy christian symbols and brief contact to shove an agenda down someones throat is meaningless to my generation- everyone is trying to do that! Build a relationship with me, love me and you might be able to show me the love of Christ.

P.S. No one denies Kinkade isn't a fantastic artist- we just wouldn't hang it up in our house.

Also, why would anyone want to be associated with someone who thinks they know the will and motivation of God for every bad thing that happens in the world?
"The new subculture of young evangelicals—I call them "Christian hipsters"—grew up on Contemporary Christian music (CCM), Focus on the Family's Adventures in Odyssey, flannel graphs, vacation Bible school, and hysteria about the end times. Now all of that is laughable to them, as they attempt to burn away the kitschy dross of the megachurch Christianity of their youth—with its emphasis on "soul-winning" at the expense of everything else—and trade it for something with real-world gravitas.

They prefer to call themselves "Christ-followers" rather than "Christians." They cringe at the thought of an altar call, and the prospect of passing out tracts gives them nightmares."

Confession Number Two: It's only laughable because we grew up and helped move equipment for those CCM artists and found out they are horny crappy people who are just as twisted as the rest of us, and that the person operating the flannel graph would be the person shoving you out of the church for daring to have a different opinion. We are attempting to burn away the mega church (not that we're anti big church, I've attended one that was very well run)- and it's non emphasis on "soul-winning"- with it's Sunday morning drive-by worship- to trade it in for a relationship with God that transforms both ourselves and the people around us. The alter call is emotional manipulation, the tracts another manipulative form of trying to make contact in a world that already contacts us way to much. We feel manipulated when someone approaches us like that, so why would we approach the world in the same manner?
"One thing we can fairly say of hipster Christianity is that it frequently strives for shock value. Take, for example, Seattle's Mars Hill Church—a Christian hipster Mecca pastored by Mark Driscoll, the polarizing Howard Stern of neo-Calvinist Christianity. On the Sunday I visited, Driscoll's message was on the Dance of Mahanaim in the Song of Solomon (an "ancient striptease," as he referred to it, and "one of the steamiest passages in the Bible"). During his sermon, Driscoll—looking like a metrosexual jock in an Ed Hardy—esque tight T-shirt, cross necklace, and faux-hawk—talked about how wives should be "visually generous" with their husbands (e.g., they should keep the lights on when undressing and during sex). I never thought I'd hear a preacher talk about these things from the pulpit. And that's exactly the point."

Confession Number Three: I just don't understand why the heck it matters what the pastor looks like? As long as he's not preaching in a jock strap and nothing else- I'm fine. And last time I checked- what he's referring to is in the Bible! How is it doing something for "shock value" if it's actually something in there? Each generation is pretty screwed up in it's own way with sexuality- I find it refreshing to hear a pastor speaking specifically about the way God presents sexuality in a marriage. Also- there are a lot of shocking things in the bible (rape, incest, violence) are these to be avoided? It may shock you Mr. McCraken, but my generation is rarely shocked. We've seen to much.

"Another distinguishing mark of hipster Christianity is the music in its worship services. In keeping with the overarching "avoid doing what everyone else is doing" motif of hipsterdom at large, most of the hipster churches I visited seemed done with the U2- starry-rock style that now dominates megachurch evangelicalism. Rather than contemporary praise choruses, many of them favored centuries-old hymns."

Confession Number Four: I hate singing the same three word chorus four thousand million times in a freaking worship service. HATE IT. I had a pastor the other day say the song we were about to sing was "really deep" and it 1. made no sense. 2. talked about "earth" as a she. 3. was theologically wrong in many ways. 4. had one concept and no creativity. I love to sing the old hymns because they have depth- they say something about God and about what he's done. They are more focused on who God is-instead of what I think of him/need from him. I especially love singing an old hymn with only a piano, or single guitar. I just don't think it needs all the other hooplah and it shines best in it's simplicity.

"Hipster Christianity also expresses itself theologically, through preaching that often emphasizes covenantal and "new creation" ideas and attempts to construct a more ecclesiological or community-centric view of salvation. Things like soul-winning and going to heaven are downplayed in favor of the notion that heaven will come down to earth and renew the broken creation. Thus, the world matters. It's not a piece of rotting kindling that we will abandon for heaven one day. It's the site of a renewed kingdom. All of this informs hipster Christianity's attention to things like social justice, environmentalism, and the arts, because if God is building his kingdom on earth, then it all matters."

Confession Number Five: I don't agree with a lot of this- but I have a suspicion that Mr. McCraken might be missing the point. Most people I know who could be lumped in with as a "hipster christian" are interested in things like social justice, environmentalism and the arts for widely varying reasons.

Social Justice- HELLO! It's the cold, calloused church that does not take an interest in it's most downtrodden and abused. We're pretty sure God backs us on this one.

The Arts- I don't understand why this is potentially bad. It seems like if I am a Christian- that should express itself in every area of my life, including the arts. Also just because I'm a christian, does not mean I have to listen to the same crappy christian three word chorus music. I wish Christians made better art.

Environmentalism- it's not that it's all we have (although before the world is destroyed in flames, God will build his kingdom here), it's that it's what we've been given to take care of now. That old parable about the talents? Yeah, I don't want to look at the most amazing things God has ever created burning and wiped out when he comes back- what am I going to say? I needed a bigger retirement account?

I wouldn't know about salvation stuff- I don't go to churches that don't preach the truth of salvation.

"But what does this mean for Christian hipsters? When, in the name of rebellion and "freedom in Christ," Christian hipsters begin to look and act just like their secular hipster counterparts, drinking and smoking all the same things, shouldn't we raise a red flag?"

Confession Number Six: Here's some irony- this is appearing in Christianity Today.
I think this commenter on the article summed it up nicely:

So 20-something Christians like the same things as 20-something non-Christians. Well, so what? Middle aged Christians drive the same cars, wear the same clothes, and like the same music as the middle aged non-Christians around them. And the worship style at their churches was new once too. Let the young be young.

We know the principles in the Bible- don't get drunk, don't be under the influence of anything but the Holy Spirit (re: drugs). So....besides those two things, I don't see much else I need to be concerned with.
Certainly not whether or not my "beard" or "trucker hat" or "scarf" is part of God's will.
"How can we be taken seriously if we are perceived as behind the times or irrelevant? This is the reasoning that leads many churches to obsess about keeping their churches on pace with the latest technologies, worship music trends, or theological buzzwords (missional!). But is this painstaking, resource-draining rat race of staying ahead of the pack worth it? And what happens to Christianity when it becomes, like hipsterdom, a chameleon of fleeting fashion and transient trend?"

Confession Number Seven: I don't believe the Gospel needs dressing up (or down). When I approach someone with what God has done for me- I tell them about how God has transformed my life and how that relationship has defined and healed every relationship in my life. I tell them what God has done for me and what God will do for them. I don't need to be current, fashionable, purpose-driven, trendy, old-fashioned, reclusive, irrelevant, relevant, transient, immovable, or anything else for God to effectively work in me to do the pleasure of his will. I need to be submitted to him. That's it. Everything else is fluff.

Overall: I think Mr. McCracken is looking at a small sample of visually representative people and finding things that are popping up within my generation as a whole. Like I said in the beginning- my generation is so used to the cheap slut one night stand approach the rest of the world has, and when a christian approaches us like that- it provides nothing relevant in our lives.

More than anything my generation is craving something real, something non-transient, something that meets us where we are and gives us freedom and grace. We crave long term relationships, discipleship, guidance. We don't need your church on twitter and facebook- we need your church to meet our needs and help us grow both as people and as Christians.

*End Rant*

Beth-Ann

2010-09-18T13:59:00.001-04:00

When my sister came home from the hospital, my parents announced her name as "Elizabeth Ann--not Beth, Lizzy, Lizabeth, Bethy, Beth-Ann or any other nickname, it's Elizabeth."

And of course we now call her all of those names.

She's always good for a variety of faces...yes, that's what we shall call it...variety.

Editing

2010-09-16T09:51:00.001-04:00

I'm re-doing some stuff around here so if things look funny, that's why!

Redneck Study in Black and White

2010-09-16T08:00:00.001-04:00

The Baby came in from mowing the lawn with J and I saw the light- and the camera and just started shooting. I couldn't help myself, he was so darn cute!

To be fair- I did originally have a long sleeve shirt on him, but it was warm in the sun and I didn't want him to be to hot on the tractor- so that's how he ended up all redneck.

He had a dirty face...

I was inspired to take the time and do these black and white photographs...but I'm sure the people whose photographs inspired me did not intend for channel mixer's layer masking technique to be used on a dirty baby with snot in his nose.

The picture of class: An overalled baby playing the piano with his dirty finger and a red fire truck.

I should keep my front door open more- the light is pretty close to perfect!

You know what is perfect? You guessed it- my ~~baby~~ boy!

Cheddar Apple Sandwich- Fall's Best.

2010-09-15T08:00:00.001-04:00

I love food associated with fall and winter- mostly because it translates into meats, apples, pastry, sauerkraut and potatoes. Schnitz und Knepp (minus the shnitz) just feels more appropriate in the fall and winter. Stuff like that.

Anyways, this sandwich is one of my favorite flavor combinations- sharp Cheddar cheese and apples. As a kid, my dad would always melt a thick slice of sharp Cheddar over his apple pie. I kind of thought it was weird, but the flavors go so well together. This sandwich is pulled from that.

First, we'll start with our list of ingredients- pretty simple but using some specific flavor combinations to get the right balance.

Red Onion, Italian dressing, Green (Granny Smith) apple, Ciabatta bread, sharp Cheddar cheese and smoked turkey. Some of these things would be fine with substitutes- I'd imagine a cheesy, chewy bread would go just as well as the ciabatta, but some of this is hands-down necessary (like the red onion, granny smith apple, smoked turkey (I've tried others and this one is the best) and sharp Cheddar)

Take two slices of the ciabatta.

I usually make this on a sheet of aluminum foil- we're going to broil it so this makes it easier. Over one of the slices, drizzle a little of the Italian dressing (around a teaspoon) and smooth it all over. You don't want a lot of dressing, just enough to dampen the bread.

Next, slice your red onion into very thin, pretty slices. Just enough to cover the bread.

Now for our lovely apple- also slice thin, straight slices and layer on the other piece of bread.

Next layer the smoked turkey (I used three slices)

and finally layer the Cheddar cheese over both pieces. I use one slice and break it up over the two pieces.

Broil for like 5-10 minutes- however long it takes to get the cheese to look like this:

I love cheese that looks like that. Did I mention I love cheese? When I was pregnant with Baby M, I would sit at my desk at work and fantasize about cheese. I'd eat macaroni and cheese for breakfast, mozzarella and tomato sandwich for lunch and I'd go home and make pasta with a cup of cheese poured on top. No wonder the poor kid had a dairy allergy when he was born.

I honestly crave this sandwich all year long- the apple makes things so interesting and provide this tiny bit of sweet tartness to the other flavors. I also love how flavorful it is without the addition of fatty/sugar/salty spreads or dressings. By broiling (instead of baking, or grilling) it keeps the apple from decomposing into sloppy mess while toasting and warming everything up. Plus it turns the cheese into AWESOME.

This should definitely be on your fall menu!

Advances in Babywearing, Cooking and a snippet of Baltimore.

2010-09-14T08:00:00.001-04:00

Ten Random Things for Today:

1. I found a new blog that seriously makes me incredibly happy. For those of you who think there will be paper supply stores in Heaven. Who still write (or want to) thank you notes and can't resist a great planner (even if you already have like...three for the year), you will love this blog to. Surprisingly enough- despite my chaotic tendency's and lazy core, I am a Penelope.

2. Another blog added to my favorites this week. Most of the time I am secretly jealous/bitter over these kinds of women- but having a small dose of peppy christian attitude everyday is kind of nice. But only in controlled amounts (can't be to happy!). So far I'm enjoying the quick doses of encouragement at Women Living Well.

3. I figured out how to put the baby on my back in the Moby this weekend. It wasn't as bad as I thought- and he promptly fell asleep with his head hanging out the side. Not sure how comfortable that is for him but I hiked seven miles while the baby took a nap.

4. We both have some sort of poison ivy from said hike.

5. I was lapped by a mountain biker three times during my hike.

6. My cooking is shifting these days- I feel like I'm cooking better than I have in my entire life. Maybe it's because I decided to embrace the flavors I know - Italian and Pennsylvania dutch. I might love Mexican, but I am not a Mexican cook. Ditto for everything that's not Italian or Pennsylvania dutch.

7. I have a lot of laundry to do.

8. I started a homeschool binder- I have nothing in it.

9. I have decided to try onions again. I've been refusing to buy them because I can't cut them...but I think it's time for another try.

10. Speaking of cooking stuff- I found this really awesome website- Chowhounds. I've been browsing their message boards for flavor/recipe ideas. These people mean business.

11. That made me think of when Anthony Bourdain came to Baltimore. He ate at the nicest Lake Trout place around- pretty much the only one you didn't order through a metal grate. Speaking of which- inner city culinary befuddles me, I never knew if I could actually order food there or if it was like a front and I'd be shot if I went inside. Oh and Snoop- did you know a drug dealer on my street had a car he painted "The Wire- the Saga Continues". Crazy that I lived here for two years...

Heard The Kills?

Mommy Belly Diaries: End Week Three

2010-09-13T15:03:00.000-04:00

Start Weight: 160.5
End Weight: 160.5

*HEAD THUD* The number one thing I'm learning right now is tenacity. It's got to come off sometime, right? If I keep going to the gym...and I keep getting outside...and I keep not eating my way through the ice cream and cookie section. All of which I did last week....

I've got a great week of food planned. I'm excited to get outside- it's been gorgeous here and I went hiking again this last weekend (seven miles) and I'm going this weekend with J finally. At some point this will all pay off, right?

I am kind of depressed about this.

Snoop through my gear bag with me!

2010-09-10T09:33:00.000-04:00

So my lucky dog husband is going climbing tomorrow morning. Do I desperately want my mother-in-law back from Peru so I can go with him? YES. Am I jealous he gets to go pull rock in the early morning hours of a perfect fall day? HELL YES. But I'm really excited for him- as excited as I would be if I was actually going. So to help out- and take the opportunity to do a blog post about this- I volunteered to check the gear bag and load what he needs for the day. I figured I could show you what basic climbing gear looks like- that way if you ever want to get started, you kind of know what you're looking at. Come and riffle through my gear bag with me!

Side Note: You need a place to climb first of all. So if you are currently living in say...Kansas...we currently cannot buy or pack cliffs.

So, in my basement- we have this little back room full of shelves. This is where most of our storage is- and where we keep our climbing gear. Come on in-

The animal heads are courtesy of our hunter landlords. They keep watch over my laundry doing. J calls the one out front on the left "the burper".

I have two separate places for gear. One is an easily accessible plastic shelf that holds the most commonly used item: the gear bag.

then, our less commonly used equipment- including extra harnesses and shoes- stays in a Rubbermaid container on the shelves.

I think you're supposed to peel off the black dotted line part of the label- but ehh.

First let's cover the items needed for top-roping (aka the bag). We live in an area where great top-roping is within an hour/two hour drive. So for the majority of our climbing- the bag is all we need.

Let's open her up and see what we have.

1. Chalk Bag

This is the least essential and cheapest item. It's also the most fun to purchase. Chalk bags. When you are climbing, especially in the summer, your hands can get very sweaty. That's why you strap this around your waist. When your hands get sweaty, you pause, reach back and dip your hands in the chalk. Instant grip. Mine is two tone blue and J's is two tone brown. Very us.

2. Rope

This is a rope designated only for top-roping. In a former life, it was a lead rope but once you fall on a lead rope a certain amount, you can no longer trust it. In lead climbing you start from the ground and place the rope along the way to anchor you- it's common to take a 10-30 foot fall if you fall while leading. You still fall when top-roping, but since your anchor is placed at the top, your belayer can catch you instantly- so the rope receives very little stress (so do you!). Because of this, it's fine for a top-rope to be wrapped up and put into the bag. I'll show you later how differently you treat a lead rope. I'm not sure how long this rope is- but the rope is your most expensive single piece of equipment.

3. Anchor Equipment

When you top-rope, you anchor yourself on top of the cliff, using whatever you find. Often we use rocks and trees. You need a minimum of two anchors (that way if one fails, you have a back up). I personally like three. I don't know why...
In this picture below, you can barely see J removing one of the anchors. It's basically just one of these ropes tied in a certain way around a rock. Then you have one or two (or more depending on how much you trust the other ones) other anchors- in the climb pictured we used one rock and two trees.

The black webbing is actually a sleeve over the blue rope. The webbing prevents any additional chafing as the rope rubs along the edges of the rock.

4. Quickdraws.

The pink webbing is a sling- you put it across your body to carry the gear while climbing. Quickdraws are really only used in sport climbing (leading) not top-roping. But we carry a few whenever we go because you never know when it might come in handy. We also carry a sample of carabiners- just to have a few extra on hand.

5. Harness

This is our "guest" harness (one of the few). We have several of these and rotate out depending on how many people are going climbing with us. You step into this pretty much like you step into a pair of pants. The rope ties into the front. This one is somewhat adjustable. We also have one that is fully adjustable (anyone can wear it since the straps tighten to any size). We also carry webbing to make into full harnesses. They sell full body harnesses which allow children to climb once they reach about 4 years old, but J's uncle can make a fully body harness out of webbing....we aren't that skilled but we figure he's just a phone call away! haha.

I love watching young children climb- they are so natural at it and it teaches them so many great things. I also panic while watching...I have a tendency to stop them, make them come down and then I re-check all the equipment before I let them go back up. I can't help it- I'm a mommy!

6. Shoes

Just like harnesses, we have plenty of shoes. Anything we once used and then replaced is kept for guest equipment. I have an old set of shoes for women and Jared has an old set of shoes for men. These purple ones are J's- I love that he has purple shoes. haha.

I love climbing shoes- they make my soul happy.

7. Harnesses

These ones are mine and Jared's. We keep them in the zip up pouches they came in so they stay neat and protected. We also keep some additional gear inside-

8. Belay Device

Don't let it's size fool you, this little piece of equipment is what holds you on the wall and keeps you from falling. I'm not joking- if you drop this, you MUST replace it. The rope feeds through the top and is clipped through the carabiner, anchoring it to your harness. Belaying is a skill set. It is a partnership between the climber and the belayer and requires both to be actively engaged in the process and communicate with each other. PERFECT for marriage building.

9. Assorted Items

Sorry for the blurry- lighting was bad. Anyways the wrench isn't used much- it's for sport climbing and it's to tighten any loose bolts on the rock. You put the quickdraws into a bolt, and clip your rope through- so those little buggers are pretty important. Because they are permanent fixtures, they occasionally need tending to.

The lighter is used to burn the ends of new rope. Or to light your poop and toilet paper on fire...I'm a girly girl so I don't do that. Really, for all my outdoorsy leanings, I refuse to use the bathroom in open air. I only go primitive camping under 24 hours- that way I can hold it until I get a real bathroom. I don't mind portajohns. I think I'd get over myself if ever presented with a worthwhile opportunity, but I haven't reached that point.

The ibuprofen is self explanatory.

The tape goes on your fingers- during serious climbing the joints and tendons in your fingers can easily strain. If you tape the joints tightly, the tape supports the tendon and keeps the fingers working properly. Some climbers overtape- like I HATE seeing people in a gym taping up every little finger and it's brother before even starting to climb. If you need that much tape, you should not be climbing today. But when you're outside, halfway through a day and your fingers are hurting- tape can be magical.

The nail clippers are there for it's intended purpose. Nails do not work with climbing.

The metal carabiner looking thing is for sport climbing- when you climb to the top and place a top-rope, you hook this to the top bolt, run your rope through and then clean off your quickdraws on the way down. This gets left at the top- it's only a couple bucks and this way you get all your expensive (re: quickdraws) equipment back. This also makes it possible for everyone after you to top-rope (which is easier climbing).

The mesh tape is what goes on your skin when you tape up your fingers.

Trash bags. Because J always leaves things better than when he got there. Usually a well used climbing area is kept pretty clean- most climbers love being outside and want to respect the privilege of climbing as much as possible. Of course, you always have some bad apples who leave crap everywhere- J cleans up after them.

And that's it for the gear bag.

In the bin- we have....

1. The Lead Rope.

The lead rope is treated like royalty. You cannot step on the lead rope. You cannot get the lead rope dirty. It has it's own bag. Inside the bag, it is fully encased in nylon so that no dust may intrude into the life of the lead rope. You cannot drop the rope, play with rope, tangle the rope. You treat the lead rope like your life depends on making it happy.

Because it does.

2. More quickdraws.

We have...maybe 15-20 of these? We need more. This is where climbing can get expensive. You know, other than the rope and the harness and the shoes...

3. Re-fill chalk:

4. Finally, a tarp.

For the royal princess lead rope. Because it cannot touch the ground.

We also usually carry a guidebook to wherever we are climbing. Nothing is worse than having no idea where the climbing is/what to set up on. A good guidebook is worth it's weight in gold. They probably cost as much now that I think about it...

There is always more gear to be used/needed/uselessly bought but this is a pretty decent foundation for two climbers plus additional guests. Keep in mind that this gear was obtained slowly- over the course of years. Some of it was Christmas gifts, some of it was saved for...ehem...and some of it was charged. It's a hefty chunk of change to just go out and buy it all at once (harnesses are around 80 bucks, shoes the same, ropes are several hundred. A quickdraw is about 20 bucks and you need a bunch). So if you are interested in climbing, but don't have any gear or even the slightest idea of where to start- get thee to a gym! Gym's will provide everything you need, show you how to use it and get you eased into the world of climbing. Once you get more comfortable and attached to the sport, you can slowly start investing in gear, starting with your own harness and shoes- and then as you move outside, you invest in the equipment.

As parents to a toddler, we aren't going to be doing any major or multi-pitch climbing, so our equipment is pretty basic. If, as our child(ren) get older, we find we want to do more traditional climbing, or big wall stuff- we would slowly add in the gear needed. It's a process.

I know of no better sport that works both body and mind. As a mom, I value this break from mommyhood- and the chance to be outside, with the man I adore, and totally enraptured with the process of moving my body up a wall. When I'm climbing I don't think about anything but climbing. It's amazing. Climb on, mommies, climb on!

Salmoni dell'agrume sopra Fettuccini e spinaci

2010-09-09T09:00:00.002-04:00

Uhhh...that's Citrus Salmon & Fettucini over Spinach to you. I just translated it to Italian online because I couldn't think of a cool enough name to give it.
This kind of started with Lemon Basil Salmon- but quickly spiraled...downhill? no, around in loops to become something a little more tangy, a little less capery, and a whole lot more...I don't know. Basically, I'm a dweeb, a haphazard cook and this has been a recipe I keep coming back to, tweaking and making into something I can't get enough of. It's so healthy and tasty and filling! I love it when a meal fills me up without having to strap on the feed sack.

Also this is really easy to make. Because we all know I can't do more than like two things in a kitchen at once. Seriously, bacon, eggs and french toast STILL befuddle me. I cannot humanly serve all three.
Alright- back to fish.
Here are our ingredients:

I still use capers in this recipe, because I'm working through this tiny jar. You can use any pasta- but I'm digging the fettuccine. Also starring: Salmon (do yourself a favor and only buy wild caught), Oil (I also used canola oil- more on that later), lemon pepper, salt, garlic, any kind of citrus juice and baby spinach.

First- I learned something recently about making pasta- you SALT the water. Like salt it so much that it's like boiling a pot of sea water. Turns out it infuses the pasta with the salt and you end up never having to salt the pasta itself and the flavor is much, much better. Who knew?
So I salted my water.

Also learned recently that you heat the oil in the pan before you put the salmon in.

I lay the salmon down, on medium high heat and don't touch it- then I ~~sprinkle~~ liberally coat the top with lemon pepper, a little salt and garlic.

then, pour just like...2 tablespoons of the juice into the pan. I don't pour it over the fish, but just in the oil so it soaks it up some. We don't want to overwhelm the flavor, just add to it.

So...I used to cook meat by touching it pretty much non-stop the entire time. Also learned recently that- that's a no. no. So I go occupy my time elsewhere while I let this sit.
I start with filling a bowl with about 2 cups of fresh spinach.

Then I attend to that little thing called- the pasta!

okay back to the salmon. After I'm pretty convinced the bottom of the salmon is all caramelized and brown, I flip it and sear the other side pretty quickly.

Oh yummy. Okay, once it's cooked- I set it on a plate and turn my attention back to the pan. Do you know who taught me about the value of those yummy crispy leftovers in the bottom of the pan- the pioneer woman. She also taught me the value of searing. Who knew?

I poured in...maybe two or three tablespoons...tops a quarter cup. White wine would go spectacular in this but I didn't have any. I put this on a low heat and just scraped up the drippings.
Drippings.
Pretty sure that word is from Little House on The Prairie.

I have found out that I'm not a fan of capers....but I still add this in because it just adds...something. So basically I pour out a little of the juice and then add like a teaspoon of capers. I usually crush the capers into the sauce.

Alright, back to the pasta. Once it's cooked (I personally like it on the hard side of al dente), drain it and immediately pour it over the spinach.

Then place the salmon on top of the pile...

then pour the caramelized dripping juice...very technical I am...over the whole thing.

and ta-da! My favorite fish meal. You know what I else I like about this meal?

I throw the fish into a microwaved macaroni and cheese (the organic kind...it was on sale at target recently) and the baby LOVES it. He won't touch chicken, lamb or beef but dang it, he eats fish.

*sigh* you just can't win with children.

Crabtastic

2010-09-08T14:53:00.000-04:00

One of the best things about living on/near the Chesapeake Bay is the cultural foundation of blue crab. Growing up life could be boiled down to a fresh and finely spiced sausage- now it's old bay *drool* blue crab *drool* and corona *drool*.

Oh goodness. If you ever visit the Chesapeake tidewater area, do yourself a tremendous favor- go to a trailer on the side of the road/restaurant on the water and get yourself a good batch of freshly steamed crab (or you can steam them at home)

We went out with my brother/sister/father in-law on Sunday night to partake in this glorious crustacean feast. We went to Abner's Crabhouse- which is right on the Marina in Chesapeake Beach.

You sit down at a long church dinner type of table- you know, the kind that seats like ten with folding chairs. The waitress spreads out a new swatch of brown paper and scribbles her name on it.

Then she brings a bucket full of mallets (for cracking the claws), knives (for pulling apart the shell), plastic cases full of a mix of Old Bay and Kosher salt (ohhhhhhhhh heavens) and she brings melted butter (who needs butter when you've got OLD BAY)

Then they bring out trays full of freshly steamed, warm crab- the shells coated in the kosher salt and Old Bay.

and you take one and dive in....

The best part is how- as you are wrenching off the legs and breaking apart the shells- the juice makes the seasoning stick to your fingers- so when you pull out a hunk of meat in between your seasoned fingers- ooohh words do not communicate how much of a crab nirvana that is.

Course you get really grimy- and your whole being smells like crab afterwards.

But the mix of seasoning, crab and tingling corona is just so enchanting.

YUM.

Mommy Belly Diaries: Start Week Three.

2010-09-07T12:39:00.001-04:00

This is going up kind of late. But Sunday after my ridiculous week of not eating very much and not loosing any weight I said "screw it" went out for crabs, ate about six delicious fresh steamed blue crabs, a handful of hush puppies and then got a kiddie cone of raspberry swirl ice cream. It was worth every darn calorie. I'm seriously still swooning.

So this week, I'm upping my calorie content. It's amazing how much food you can eat when you are eating mostly healthy things. I kind of delayed this post to show you what I ate yesterday.

Breakfast: a 1/4 of a cinnamon raisin bagel- baby ate the rest. My usual iced coffee.
Lunch 1: A smoothie made of Greek yogurt, milk and frozen mixed berries.
Lunch 2: 4 ounces of salmon, 1 cup of pasta.
Dinner: Chicken parmigiana- my sauce was sooo good, fresh garlic, red wine, fresh basil- over 1 cup of spaghetti.
Snacks: Tea, Chocolate Biscotti, Peach, Chocolate covered strawberries.
Total Calories: 1647.

That's a tad over what I'm shooting for but I wasn't particularly worried. I didn't work out since it was a holiday (gym was closed).

Anyways, so this week I'm trying to eat more food. I'm going to keep walking at the gym and then try another long hike once with the baby (over five miles). I can see a difference in my body, even if the scale isn't reflecting that.

Here are my exercises, I've pared things down just a bit to keep my time streamlined:

1. Pushup
2. Spiderman Pushup
3. Explosive modified pushup. (these are really practical for me- in climbing I'm often doing explosive movements...or at least needing to)
4. Close grip chinup.
5. Squat
6. Marching Hip raises.
7. Planks
8. Side Planks.
9. Lunges with baby.
10. Russian Twist
11. Hip Crossover
12. Reverse Crunch.

Teach Me

2010-09-07T10:43:00.000-04:00

I was so redneck that I thought Italians were black. No joke- there was a very dark Italian man in my church growing up (and I was living in a town made up of Italians and Poles) and in my little kid brain, I always thought of him as black.

It only went downhill from there ethnicity wise. We moved from a eastern European ethnic town to a town even more white. Plus the addition of the Klu Klux Klan- yeah so I only saw black people on their paraphernalia.

During summer camp, when I was twelve years old and volunteering in the kitchen, three women show up from a church in Chicago- three black women. It was the first time I had been exposed to the African American church culture and when I say they could lay the smack down on anyone- I meant it. Not only where they very hard-core, theologically sound, mature Christians- they had the God beaming from every pore on their body. I was in awe, and jealous. When we prayed, I prayed the way I'd always prayed, traditional stoic all business German baptist addressing the Almighty God. They prayed like- I didn't even know- but they prayed someones finger to grow back. That's the kind of praying they did. And the finger really just grew back.

One day, I got up the courage to ask...this skinny white girl sitting with her legs splayed out across the kitchen stool, elbows leaning on the counter. "How do you pray like that?"

Do you know what she told me?

She didn't give me a book on "How to Pray Finger's Back in Thirty Days or Less." she didn't even point me somewhere in the Bible that outlined how to pray. She smiled and said.
"Ask the Holy Spirit to teach you."

I didn't understand the significance there yet- but I did ask the Holy Spirit to teach me to pray. And He did....

I've been thinking about that lately. Mostly because I'm caught in one of those "do or die" moments in my christian life. There are several points in my life where I know I'm either walking away from this relationship or I'm going to give up my life- I'm in a point now.

I don't want to submit. I don't want to love God. I don't want to admit that I can't do it. I don't want my dreams yanked. I don't want to love my husband. I don't want to clean my house. I don't want to give up my life. I don't want to do any of it.

So I pray. Father teach me to want to.
Father teach me to love my husband.
Father teach me to abandon myself to you.
Father teach me to take care of my home.
Father teach me to get over myself.
Father teach me to be happy in the life you've given me.
Teach me. Because I don't know how and, even if I could motivate myself to give a flying rats ass about plotting my five step plan to do all those things, I wouldn't be able to anyhow. I'm a failure and I need you to teach my heart to do these things.

All that planning, all that "I'm going to do x.y.z to become a better christian" is fluff- stuff to keep us busy as Christians so we feel good about ourselves and stay busy. Abandonment to God makes us useful- because then he can do whatever he wants through us. Let me show you this in practical terms.

Situation One: I wake up and decide: "I need to become a better wife." so I look in the Bible, or in a really great christian book and decide that one way I can do this is to look for opportunities to serve my husband. I know my husband loves it when I take time out to do nice things for him so I decide that's what I'm going to focus on. Feel really good all day because I'm busy finding things to serve him with. When he mows the yard, I remember that he likes water to be brought out, so I go fill up water and bring it out.
Feel awesome.
Ten days later of doing this, I'm slacking- I'm tired and go-get-your-own-damn-water. It's just to hard to keep remembering all these things I should be doing. I'm burnt out. Repeat scene.
Most of us work like this. As Christians, this is how we're taught to live the christian life.

Situation Two: I wake up and know I'm a total fuck up. Spend all day praying, while I go about my usual chores, "Father do this in me. God please love my husband through me. Please let me do these chores and be happy with it. I hate housework." Spend all my time focused on God- who he is, who he is in me, what he's done. I get to the end of the day and my husband goes "Why are you being so loving today? It's really nice. Oh and the house looks great." (My husband really did say this to me)
Turns out- when my christian straining was out of the way, it left God some room to take care of it.

Anyways, this is my struggle lately. Getting out of the way and giving up my agenda. That and finding dried currants and candied citron to make hot cross buns with.

How An Adventure Usually Goes...

2010-09-06T10:00:00.000-04:00

The following is a play by play of how Adventures usually go for me. I headed to Gambrill State Park in Maryland on Saturday to do some hiking.

8:50 PM, Friday Night: I'm ridiculously tired of being in the house. J has to work a double- so if I'm home tomorrow it means a day of keeping Baby M occupied and happy for 16 hours in the basement. That sounds like I'd rather get my fingernails peeled off one by one. I decide to go out. But where?

9:00 PM, Friday Night: After a search of Maryland State Forests- I decide to head to Gambrill State Park. I haven't been there before and all the hiking trails are labeled "moderate to difficult"- this sounds bad, but I need the practice hauling ass up hills for my upcoming trips this fall. Pshaww--men have to put weights in their backpacks to train, women just strap the 30lb toddler to their back and head off.

9:20 PM, Friday Night: Check with J to make sure he's okay with this plan of mine- he is so tired he doesn't answer. Then he yells at me for leaving his keys in the car. I'll take that as a yes.

9:50 PM, Friday Night: Think about making a list, think about what time to go, put a message out on facebook to see if anyone wants to come (everyone is out doing cool stuff so no one answers), think about getting directions. Don't do any of it (except the facebook thing).

1:00 AM, Saturday Morning: J texts and asks if I'm still going hiking today. I reply yes and go back to reading.

8:00 AM, Saturday morning: Lay in bed and think about all the stuff I should get together for hiking. I think about peanut butter sandwiches and washing a Nalgene bottle out. Keep lying in bed.

8:47 AM, Saturday morning: Get up, pull on some clothes. Get the baby up, dress him. Put him in the car. Copy a set of directions but don't think to hard about them.

9:00 AM: Leave.

9:15 AM: Hand baby a bagel to chew on and slurp coffee from Dunkin Donuts. Head North.

10:15 AM: Head into Baltimore.

10:45 AM: Head west.

11:15 AM: Start looking at the directions. I have two sets- one is very vague and copied from the park website. The other is on my phone's GPS and it's detailed. I check the map and the GPS looks correct so I head that way.

11:20 AM: Stop at Sheetz- there is some sort of police altercation so I just use the bathroom and leave. Baby M touches everything in bathroom stall. Curse and wash his hands.

11:30 AM: While I'm putting baby in car, I remember I should get some water. Decide to just stop somewhere else.

11:40 AM: Stop at a grocery store. Go inside and purchase: two peaches, two bottles of water, one bottle of milk, and three cliff bars for lunch. Baby screams "mmmmiiccckkkk" while standing in line behind the world's slowest old people.

11:50 AM: Get baby his milk and get back on the road.

11:55 AM: I arrive at my "destination", unfortunately it looks like someones driveway so I turn around.

11:57: I'm back down the mountain but don't want to backtrack completely, so I stop and double check the map. The map looks like I should be at the park entrance...maybe I was wrong. So I turn around and head back up to make sure.

12:00 PM: Nope...it's really someones driveway. Head back. Decide to take shortcut across the mountain.

12:05 PM: Shortcut puts me right where I started. Start following my "vague" directions.

12:10 PM: Pull into the trail head parking lot. Turns out "vague" directions where very easy to follow and put me exactly where I wanted.

12:11 PM: Unload all unnecessary items from my bag, re-load food and water. Change baby's diaper and pull out Moby.

12:15 PM: Realize I should have practiced putting the baby on my back in the Moby before I left the house. Try and pin him between the backseat and my back, then wrap the Moby around us real quick to keep him there. He protests. People start looking.

12:18 PM: I've given up. Put him in the front of the Moby and cinch it really tight. Head over to look at the trail head map. I don't purchase a map because- helllooo how badly can someone be nickle and dimed? Purchase a map...you've got to be kidding me. I see a collection box and fee sign for parking. It's three dollars, I decide to pay after I've hiked. You know....just because.

12:20 PM: Decide to take Yellow trail- it's seven miles long but it's only rated "moderate" and I've driven three hours- so I might as well get the most out of my hiking time. Plus my only other options are "difficult" for 3.3 miles and "moderate" for 27 miles. Head up the mountain.

12:25 PM: It's straight up a mountain, alongside the road and Baby M's head (and bristly hair) is poking right into my chin. Also found that the strap of my bag is riding up and choking him. Fantastic.

12:30 PM: A family comes down the trail as I go up and the dad says "Now that's the way to hike." Think about Sacajawea and decide that at any point I can turn around...but it's only been like five minutes and I just drove three hours so I'd better just keep going.

12:35 PM: A muscle that connects my back to my butt is ON FIRE.

12:45 PM: My lungs are on FIRE.

12:48: My butt is on FIRE.

12:50: My legs are on FIRE.

1:00: The trail pretends to flatten out a bit- not as steep, so I keep going. Baby wants to touch every tree we pass. Think it's going to take me six hours to hike this. That makes me think that I should calculate a turn around time, just in case. I figure it will take me about 15 minutes to go one mile...so that means, adding some "tree touching time" I should be back at the car within three hours.

1:15: A group of about fifteen women spot me through the woods and call out, asking what trail I'm on. When I say "yellow" they get all excited and head into the woods. They tell me they got lost on the yellow trail. They annoy me because they are wearing hydration packs and carrying those pointy walking stick things. One of them asks about how long Michael will tolerate the wrap- I'm dumb and go "Well, he's sixteen months old and..." I gesture to the fact that he's currently in the wrap. She's like "No...I mean...like an hour or?" I go "Ohh....all day." Then make mental note to be careful not to lose the trail.

1:30: Pass two boys who ask how far the parking lot is. I say "a ways" and they look at me like they are desperate to climb in and be carried. I move on.

1:45: Come to a three way divide on the yellow trail. My gut says this is about halfway. One is marked "Yellow Trail to the road", one is "Shortcut" and the other is "Yellow trail upper loop- additional 2.5 miles." I cannot decide which way to go. Think about purchasing map but still feel it's morally wrong to CHARGE people not to get lost. So I stand there and try to find a free one on the Internet (yeah, my cell works haha). No success...so I stand there and reason. My hair starts burning.

2:00: Finally decide to take the trail towards the road. Shortcuts always screw you over and I didn't want to go two additional miles.

2:10: Find the road and a sign that let's me know I picked the right direction.

2:15: Lost in a haze- I'm tired, the baby still wants to touch every tree and I just keep walking.

2:30: A big uphill.

2:45: Start to double back so I guess I'm about a mile and a half away.

3:10: We're in sight of the car, so I put the baby down and let him walk the rest of the way. He picks up a stick, then trades it in for some nuts and rocks. Then he sits down and tries to put a bunch of them into his fists. Since they won't fit he deliberates over which ones he wants. Decides to trade in all the rocks for nuts. Heads to the car with a satisfied face and about 6 nuts stuffed into his hands. The entire front of my t-shirt is covered in sweat from having 30lbs of toddler wedged against me for seven miles.

3:15: Make it back to the car. My ankles hurt the worst- lots of twisting and rolling on slippery rocks when I'm tired. Give the baby his MICCLLKK he's been asking for and put two dollars in the service box (I only had two...and I'm still pissed about the map thing.) Baby falls asleep almost instantaneously.

3:20: Head home.

4:40: Arrive home.

The Mommy Belly Diaries: Week Two End

2010-09-05T15:12:00.000-04:00

Start Weight: 161.

Monday: If J ever leaves me, I'll be at the gym every day after seven. The ratio of hot men to fat women at that time is like 3:1. Unfortunately, this does not help distract me from the fact that I'm working out. Eeek out thirty minutes on the bike again. In the home exercising, I would like to kill whomever invented the plank. Like- for real.

Tuesday: I almost didn't go to the gym- even had the pilates video started on Netflix to substitute. But the baby was having a replaced-by-the-devil's-spawn type of day so when J said "go to the gym" before the baby was in bed- I pulled on my socks and ran out the door. Every time I thought about drooping on the treadmill- I thought about not being home and it was like magic! That was the fastest thirty minutes I've spent working out in a long time. As great as it was, I hope there are no more days like this.

Wednesday: I've found my niche. I've discovered how to not be bored the entire thirty minutes. I pick the center treadmill- the one in front of...eight TVs. The one that has a view of the entire gym sprawling out underneath my feet. Then I put my I-pod on, crank up the incline and concentrate on my posture, not walking like a caveman, reading the closed captions, scrolling through my music, and keeping tabs on every person in the gym. Cute guy next to me keeps glancing over at my chest. This is why I do not run in the gym. Also discovered that Veronica Mars keeps me occupied while doing my dagum planks. Feel like giving up on the plank thing, but also have a feeling this will pay off whenever I can go climbing again.

Thursday: I don't know why but Thursday's leave me spiraling towards despair. Today I read an article that listed Christina Hendricks measurements- 39-30-39DD- and I realized I have the same measurements as her. Of course this made me feel like- hey I don't need the gym! Then later that night, I tell my husband this and he goes- "Really?"
Guess this means I still need the gym.

Friday: Seriously, the end of the week is such a bog for me. Consider this my second of two days off a week. Also I discover that I like to eat when I'm bored or depressed- particularly raisin bran for some reason. So ~~instead of~~ after eating I get a long shower and meticulously do my hair. Feel much better. Gotta find something kick butt to do to get me out of the house and out of this slump.

Saturday: I don't eat pretty much anything but coffee and half a Luna bar until dinner. Dinner I have salmon and 1 cup of noodles and I'm fine. But J gets home and we stay up and eat pizza (I have two slices) and watch True Lies. I went for a hike today with the baby (25lbs) and a bag (10lbs) and I hike 7 miles of mountainous terrain while carrying both. I figure this should do me good, even with the pizza I've only consumed around 1800 calories (counting the pizza as 1,000 calories for two slices) - but....

Sunday: I wake up and do my weighing in- I've only lost 1/2 lb this week. WHAT GIVES? Feel annoyed so I let J go to taco bell for lunch and I eat 2 tacos. Not a good decision.

Finish Weight: 160.5

Overall: This is the point where weight loss fails for me- I'm not doing something right but I'm not sure what it is. I've worked out five days, eaten 1200 calories four days, around 1500 for three days- this all should translate into weight loss but the scale isn't budging. I have a problem here somewhere. I'm wondering if maybe I should eat more- my basal body temperature has been ridiculously low this last week and I'm wondering if it's reflecting a slowing metabolism (your BBT reflects your metabolism pretty well- from what I've read anyways).

What I ate: Like I said- the first half of the week I ate right around, but not over 1200 calories. My meals looked like this:
Breakfast: Coffee
Lunch: 1/2 cup of Greek yogurt with strawberries and 1/2 cup of cereal.
Dinner: around 400-500 calories worth of food. Usually a starch-protein-vegetable combination.
Snack: Strawberries or a Peach and 1/2 cup of milk with honey for tea.

Best of the week: Hiking seven miles at Gambrill State Park. I was really proud of myself for carrying the baby the whole way and not giving up. It had some bigger uphills and I definitely noticed an improvement in both my muscles and cardiovascular endurance. This had a big payoff.

Worst of the week: THE DARN SCALE!

Midnight Toilet Epiphany's

2010-09-05T14:48:00.000-04:00

I've been running along the edge of crazy for sometime now. I'm in this spot in life where I have pretty limited responsibilities and a lot of freedom. Of course the gut reaction is with freedom of time comes great responsibility and I feel I must start saving the world during naptime. This means I'm dabbling into everything and doing nothing well.

I don't know what other women feel like, but especially in this "child bearing years" thing I've got going, I feel like if I'm not pregnant- I should be doing something else- just as worthwhile or lucrative. Right, I mean that's totally the only reason why God would not let me have another kid. There must be some higher purpose I'm not fulfilling if everyone and their damn mother is pregnant and not me.
So I'm running around frantically trying to find this "higher purpose" so I can stop feeling so empty and depressed. I figure, if I find this something, then I'll be happy.

So the other night- after several weeks of living on the edge of miserable and crazy-I'm feeling restless and aching and just tired enough that the crazy is really seeping out, you know? Anyways- I don't have my quiettime, but go straight to bed- I've been faithful with my studying but there are just some days that not even God can make you feel better. And to be honest, there are some days where I really don't want to know God.

I'm laying there- waiting for sleep to numb my brain and I have to go the bathroom. I get up, go in- I'm on the toilet and staring at the Francis Fenelon book sitting in the magazine rack. Fenelon is this 15th century french like...I guess the world is mystic- but anyways- a religious guy. So I pick up the book and flip it open. Inside my head I think "oh this is probably stupid because Fenelon always has something to jolt me out of my selfish spiraling." but I'm feeling cynical and hard hearted so I'm kinda up for the challenge.

I flip open the book- randomly- and I read this:

"When we seek only the glory of God, we will find our peace again. But God's glory is not to be found in all the thoughts and actions of humanity. God wants to be glorified only through our bringing our human nature down to nothing and giving ourselves completely over to his Spirit. We must not want his glory more than he wants it himself. So let us give ourselves over as quiet instruments for carrying out his divine plan.
Many things will have to be rooted out: our bustling urgency, our movements based on self, our restless agitation that comes disguised as zeal. When these are gone- that is true peace and good will.
The way to have a good will that conforms to God's is to give up our desires and fears and leave ourselves completely in his hands. Those who do so are as unshakable as Mount Zion. They can never be moved, because their only desire is for God. And it is God who brings everything to pass."

I wish you could have seen my face. My shower did, and the shower went "Oh Lordy Lordy, here she goes again!"
It was the face of "OH, F-ING CRAP." Because every line in that was directed right towards me and my weaselly little heart.

Now I can keep going my current direction and nurse this bitterness and anger and rabid activity to distract myself awhile longer- but eventually it will become so overwhelming that I have no choice but to give up and submit. I hate submitting- hate hate hate hate hate hate hate...yeah pretty much loathe it. But it's either submit or turn to large amounts of hallucinatory drugs to distract me further.
I guess I'll just go ahead and submit.

Sweet Sixteen.

2010-09-03T10:44:00.000-04:00

When my brother, Joel, was born- my have-more-maternal-instincts-than-you sister Rachel did her maternal thing on him while I looked on from my book on the couch. When he started calling her "mama"- I decided that the next baby that came would be mine. So when Abigail was born, I spent hours holding her on the couch, cuddling with her in the misty fall, watching her for my mom...as she grew up I hung out with her, played with her- it didn't make her call me mama, but it did help my maternal instincts development some. I moved away when Abby was about eight- so she doesn't really know me as well as I know her. But she comes to visit and we have fun-

This weekend she turned sixteen.

Yeah, we're not redneck at all.

This would a Mossberg 500- short barrel. My husband is jealous.

Happy Sweet Sixteen Abigail.

Climbing Questions

2010-09-01T16:58:00.000-04:00

I was reading a couple different climbing blogs and articles last night- and coming across some pervasive attitudes that, in my opinion, really harm the sport. I figured a post like this was in order both to help build the climbing community among women and to clearly communicate my attitude towards climbing. Here are the most frequent questions I've gotten over the years about climbing.

Q. I have no upper body strength, how is this something I can do?
First of all- the "lack" of upper body strength is usually the number one concern in women. Especially when they show up at the gym with their hulking boyfriend who is pumped and ready to show off. It is true- as women, most of us have a discernible lack of upper body strength compared to our male compatriots, but this makes you a better climber. Honestly, because you are relying on your legs and your core for strength most women have a natural affinity towards climbing and have better technique, even if they aren't growling their way to the top like some sort of overgrown Spiderman.

Q. So what makes a "good climber"?
There is an attitude you will find all throughout climbing- especially around people who take climbing as a serious hobby- the emphasis on grading. Climbing is graded in the U.S. on what is called the Yosemite Scale. It ranges from 5.0 (being the easiest) to 5.16 (the absolute hardest). Most good climbers top out at 5.12. Most people start climbing at a 5.5-5.6 level. Now- it's easy to get sucked into this notion that to be a good climber, you must climb higher and higher grade climbs, it's also easy to evaluate other climbers on the basis of their top grade. The problem is- when I'm standing at the bottom and watching two climbers- one is a woman, on a 5.6 and her technique is solid- using her legs, loose arms, graceful movements- and the other is a man on a 5.9, all arm pump, pull ups and grunting- who is the better climber? It's the woman, regardless of grade. (I just used a man and woman because it's a really common scenario- not to imply anything) but there is an attitude in climbing that get's hung up on the grade accomplished instead of the ability as a climber. I think that emphasis detracts from the sport (except in competition which is totally different) and the focus should be elsewhere. I know for sure that it would open the sport up to more people to have this attitude kept in check.

Q. How do get started in climbing?
The easiest scenario- by far- is to find someone who already has experience. Ask around you're mommy group, ask around your job- if someone you know is a climber, get them to take you. That can be hard to find (or the person you find is single, ready to mingle and would have told you he's an astronaut in order to get some alone time with you- beware of him!). The next best option is the local climbing gym. Gyms can be really overwhelming, but you can learn the basics of the sport and make contact with people who are more experienced and can help you along. Ignore the skinny woman in the yoga pants doing 5.12's with a crowd underneath her to watch her ass- she will make you feel miserable. Trust me, just pretend she doesn't exist.

Q. Why is everyone better than me?
It sure feels that way. I've been climbing since I was eight and I feel this way all.the.time. Especially next to the darn yoga pant woman. But- this is why I think it can be so intimidating and this is the trickling down effect of that grading attitude I talked about. Climbing, in my opinion, isn't about being good- it's about getting outside, working with a partner, problem solving, stretching the limits of your body, challenging yourself in a concrete way, learning from other others...I could go on and on. The best climbers have this attitude and, remember this, the best teachers have this attitude. They exist for sure, just ignore the rest of them shouting out their grade levels like someone gives a rip.

Q. What makes climbing good for a mom?
Ahh- I never appreciated climbing so much until after I became a mom. First, it gives me a break. Second, it reconnects me to my husband- we work as a team, he is the most amazing climbing partner and that really helps us as a couple. Third, it gives my body a great workout- and we all know...okay except for the darn yoga pant girl...that we need it after being ravaged by baby. Fourth, as the baby grows- it gives me another way to stay connected and involved in his life. Fifth, climbing is so consuming, mentally, that I don't worry about the baby for a second while I'm on the wall. The greatest advantage to being a mom and a climber? We can go on the weekdays when everybody else is still slaving away for the man.

Q. Should I just go to a gym or go outside?
Both. There are people who only climb in a gym- bad idea. There are people who only climb outside- if you're going one extreme, I'd do that. Listen, gyms are an asset to the community- it's easy to get started, they are great for training and introducing people to the sport, but on a very real level going climbing at the gym is like riding a stationary bike in your bedroom. Outside the rock feels different, the experiance is all consuming and you are a full participant. Did I mention it's totally easier to give up on a plastic wall where you can just walk two steps to a new one instead of being fifty feet in the air with no place to go? Well- as the queen of giving up, I assure you, being outside is much better.

I recently read a fantastic article about being a climbing mom. You can read it here: Eight Confessions of a Climbing Mom. Through Just Mommies, the site I also blog for, an online mom community, I do a "Adventure Hippie Mommy Group" for outdoor adventure minded mom's. Join us to talk more about either your recent adventures or questions you have. You can access the group here and through the link in my sidebar. You can also email me at sarahnicolelemon@gmail.com. If you live within traveling distance of New River Gorge, WV, Great Falls, VA or The Gunks, NY and you are a mom interested in climbing- I might be available for a climbing trip. Babies are allowed! Hey, we'll make it work...

Climb on.

The Annual Get Everyone To Smile At Once Catastrophe.

2010-09-01T09:00:00.000-04:00

Someday, there will exist a photo where every member of my family is smiliing and looking at the camera. Until that day comes- we can have another year where at least one person is out of whack.

also next year- shoes.

Parker's Creek

2010-08-31T16:29:00.000-04:00

The Mommy Belly Diaries: Start Week Two

2010-08-30T20:36:00.000-04:00

This week I have a couple things on my agenda:

1. Balance out my nutrition a little more.
2. Find ways to make gym cardio bearable.
3. Knock out the strength stuff earlier in the day.

The weather is back up into the upper nineties again so I'm really loathing the idea of doing anything outside.
Here is my list of exercises this week.

At Home:

NOT Pretty.

Incline Pushup
Explosive Pushup
Spiderman Pushup
Prisoner Squat
Lunges
Marching Hip Raises
Step Ups
Plank- wide stance with leg lift.
Side Plank
Fire Hydrant
Russian Twist
Hip Crossover
Reverse Crunch.

At The Gym:

Band Assisted Chinup
Inverted Row

My mom read this thing once- you can easily eat away all your progress in a couple hours, but once you exercise, you have that muscle for much longer. The scale might not move very quickly, but I know my body is moving faster. I'm trying to remember all that so I don't give up.

P.S. I'm glad I made this public here- so much more is at stake, and it really encourages me to see the comments, both here and on JM. Whoop whoop!

The Mommy Belly Diaries: End Week One

2010-08-29T09:00:00.000-04:00

Start Weight: 163

Monday: Went to the gym. Treadmills are full and I'm feeling lazy. Sit on my behind on a bike and realize I'm in a row of wizened old men. Wonder what the says about me.
Want to quit at 10 minutes.
A girl walks past in a sports bra and shorts- really want to stare but feel very awkward. BUT IT'S AN ALMOST NAKED PERSON! I obviously don't get out much.
Want to quit at 15 minutes.
The news runs a story about a cop that got shot. That distracts me for a little bit.
Want to quit at 17 minutes.
Look at the fat people around me. Wonder if the skinny people lump me in that group or not.
Want to quit at 20 minutes.
Think about going to another machine for the last ten minutes but decide to stick it out.
The man in front of me looks really.really.creepy. He's also very hairy.
Want to quit at 23 minutes.
Think about cookies.
Want to quit at 27 minutes. Think about quitting seriously.
Decide that if I'm going to say "30 minutes" on this blog, I better actually do thirty minutes.
Flip the channel on the TV over and over again to distract myself.
Want to quit at 28 minutes. 29 minutes. 29 minutes 30 seconds.
Don't stop until the bike hits 30 minutes- 6.78 miles.
Now I really want the cookie but I go home and drink some tea. Cookies taunt me as I type.

Tuesday: It hurts to hold my cell phone to my ear. It hurts to use the computer mouse. But J told me I have nice legs this morning so I guess I can keep going.

Decide that 30 minutes at the gym are not neccesary if I go hiking with the baby. Takes 60 minutes to go 2 miles...Baby M walks a whole mile, then kicks his legs viciously as I carry him the mile back uphill. He drops his car twice- I cry as I squat to pick it up.

I keep imaging myself in these pants...and that keeps me going.

Pretty sure that no matter how much weight lost/muscle gained, I will not look like I imagine I will in these pants.
The home excercises were easier today- but hurt more...if that makes any sense. Afterwards I cannot walk.
Or reach above my head.
But I am eating two cookies with my tea tonight.
SCORE.

Wednesday: This morning was my pregnancy counseling so I felt extra motivated to work out. I mean, if you can't get pregnant you might as well be thin- right? Anyways. Today everything became ~~easy~~ easier. It hurts, but I did everything correctly, the right amount of times and the right amount of sets without much pain. Hate how much time excercise takes away though- maybe it's just because this is a busy day. At the gym, my legs are on FIRE for the first 10 minutes of the elliptical, but I am pretty distracted by the concentration of young, hot guys. Feel very fat and ugly when I see a woman in her fifties with a banging body and a guy my age hitting on her. But then I remember that a super cute guy smiled at me before I started sweating like a pig and cursing under my breath on the machine- that makes me feel better. When I was a kid I thought you didn't think like this after you got married, now I know you just go home and tell your husband all about it and he tells you you're hot anyways.

Thursday: Now the boredom is starting to set in. I can do it all- and it's boring now. It's not easy, just easy enough. I almost skipped today. But setteled for heavy procrastination instead. I split the sets of home stuff to into two parts- and worked on the computer in between. It kept it from feeling like a huge time waster. Then J decided to take me out to eat and I kinda just gave up. I mean, I ate a crab cake sandwich without the top part of the bun (definitely don't miss it so why eat it) and succesfully only ate half of the baby's grilled cheese. But after coming home from hiking, I ate like two cookies and bowl of raisin bran. It was depressing to see the scale still not down at. all. Then I saw this pictures and felt even more depressed.

Friday: I'm starving myself today. I figure I have a party on Sunday, and yesterday didn't go so well- so I can live on coffee today. It's 3:00pm and I've had coffee, two crackers and 1/2 cup of cottage cheese. So not literal starving- but you know, just enought to survive. I do not feel motivated to excercise (on a writing bender).

Saturday: I finished my book last night so I am at one hand, sucking down coffee with no creative outlet and wandering around feeling overwhelmed by how out of hand my house is now that I'm back in reality....so originally I didn't feel like working out, but I've got nothing to do except...clean. Ew. J went to work early so I had no time to go to the gym (home with the baby by myself). But I did put a pair of jeans on this morning that I haven't really been able to fit recently. They are tight- don't get me wrong, but they zip. Baby steps.

Sunday: Day Off! We are either going hiking or coming home to watch the football game.

Finish Weight: 161

Overall: Healthy weight loss achieved, but I've lost these couple pounds over and over again- so I'm not really feeling very positive until I hit below 158. That will be weight loss. But my body is showing the effects, excercise is so great for instant gratification!

Excercises I Didn't End Up Doing: Mountain Climbers, 45 degree plank (pointless when I was doing two other types of planks) and pretty much everything but the chin up stuff at the gym. I decided I didn't need to do anything with weights, my own body weight was giving me a hard enough time as it was.

Most Likely To Kill Me Excercise: Planks. TORTURE. I've found that snapping my fingers with the seconds helps me not give up.

Sluttiest Excercise: Toss up between Hip Raises and The Body Weight Wall Squat...I'm sure you can figure it out. Thank goodness for doing it in my house.

Easiest Excercise: Fire Hydrants...something about them is really not at all bad.

Best Moment: Cute guy smiling at the gym. Score for me.
Worst Moment: Realizing I forgot to wear deoderant to the gym.
Most Improved: My BEHIND. By Tuesday it was like...oh I guess I'll stop dragging back here so much. Very nice.

What I Ate: Five days I kept my calories under 1400. Two days I fudged it and didn't keep track. Mostly my menu looked like this:

Breakfast: Large Iced Coffee with Carmel Swirl and Sugar.
Lunch: 2 slices of whole wheat bread, 1 slice of Muenster Chees, 1/2 cup of sauerkrat and 2 slices of Corned Beef (toasted). Sometimes 1/2 cup of cottage cheese.
Dinner: If I cooked- I ate that, just small enough serving to keep my calories in check. If I didn't cook I ate 1 cup of strawberries (frozen), 1/2 cup of Greek Yogurt (plain), 1/2 cup of Kashi Crunch cereal drizzeled with like a teaspoon of honey.
Night: Cookie (if I had the calories to spare), 1/2 cup of milk mixed with water for tea, 1 tablespoon of honey.

Best of the Week: The greek yogurt concotion was really light on calories and suprisingly super filling.

For Next Week: Need To Find Funner Cardio. More Fun. Funnier...ehh screw it. Funner.

Something Is Wrong With The Moby.